May 28, 2011

Vive La Françe!!!

Well, that's it then, I guess. I'm off to the land of higher thinking and higher promiscuity. I'll be MIA for the next month, so, if, for whatever reason, you wish to contact me, don't! Hold it in. It can wait! The Black Hole is going to be collapsed for the time that I'm away. Kai and Dylan will be running Cinematic Caption over at Man, I Love Films. I have the utmost faith in them both to do me proud. Thanks loyal readers. You've been wonderful. See you in July.

So, that's that. Starting riiiight... now, je parlerai francais. Il sera spectaculaire! Au revoir, mes jolies. Soyez bon!


May 27, 2011

It's Called Bangkok For A Reason!!!!

Are sequels allowed if they don't really do anything new. Sure, Die Hard: Die Harder was set in an airport and all that, but all it was was Die Hard in an airport. Now, the studios would have you believe that this is totes-ma-gotes fine. After, they gotta make that ill money. But, does it matter to us, the cinematic viewer? Well, if the crowd I was just with at The Hangover: Part II is anything to go on, the answer is no. They were enjoying the hell out of it. But, did this pretentious, JoGo obsessed, Muse loving, 19 year old twit love it? No. The Hangover: Part II is not bad by any means. Had the first one never existed, this would be a truly special piece of comedy. But, the first does exist, making this one no more than a tired retread. It has it's moments, but it's not enough.

What could possibly go wrong?

May 26, 2011

Not So Savvy!!

I'm pressed for time. It's late, and I got friends to see, podcasts to record, and packing to do tomorrow, so, this'll be brief.

Simon, I'm gonna be taking after your own style again. I hope you don't mind. For the record, you got my vote!


May 23, 2011

In Need of a Horse

Time to break out my prediction hat, because Summer 2011 has begun. Though I am late to the party on this one, I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to judge. Anyway, as you no doubt are aware, I make a habit of predicting how the summer will turn out, movie-wise, based on how the first big show stopper does. Now last year, I royally screwed the pooch by predicting that, with Iron Man 2 starting things off strong, the season would be good. As we all know, Summer 2010, Inception notwithstanding, sucked a big fat one. Well, I hope I'm not wrong again, because if the kick off is anything to go on, Summer 2011 should be great! The kick off is Thor, the latest entry in Marvel's elaborate and ambitious cinematic universe. It's campy, over the top, and ridiculous. It's also spectacular!

Squeeze your belly!

May 22, 2011

New Locations

So, Cinematic Captions has moved.

Starting today, the LAMMY nominated feature (how cool is that?) will be run through Dylan and Kai's site, Man, I Love Films! You can find the first edition here, featuring the current still from Terminator 3. If you've submitted for that one, no need to do it again.

I'm excited. The site, what with Dylan and Kai's significantly larger reader base, should bring in good deal more traffic for the feature. It'll be good.

The first edition of Cinematic Captions on MILF can be found here! Take part, and be merry!

May 18, 2011

As The Mass Exodus Concludes...

My freshmen year is over.

As I sit in my completely bare room, my bag on my bed, my guitar resting on my wall, my roommate is packing things up. In less than three hours, Spruce 108 will no longer belong to Lucas and Sebastian; it will just be calmly waiting for the next pair of first years, anxiously awaiting the first days of L&T, to leave their mark.

It's surreal. It went by so fast. I still vividly remember the day I moved in, the first few days of class, the best parties, the rehearsals and performances, the work, the girl I sought after, and I've been here pretty much 100% of the time since the beginning of August.

Well, I just thought I'd use this space to express some feelings of gratitude to those aspects of my freshmen year that warrant it. Here goes.

May 17, 2011

Cinematic Captions #20

Alright folks! Number 20! Impress me!

But first, the winners!

Honorable Mentions: "So say we all?" (Courtesy of Aiden), "We did it doggystyle so we could both watch X-Files." (Courtesy of Kai).

This is historic. Our CC, Castor, is no longer in the lead. We have a tie.


Step up your game Castor! Simon's ready for a fight! She's a Basestar, and you're Galactica. Launch your vipers!

Wow, I really need to stop watching that show!

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Simon (4)
Feltch (3)
Univarn (3)
Kai (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)

I feel like some Ahnold is due! Yeah, let's get some of that Austrian hunk up in this piece!

Amuse me!

May 13, 2011

Glee Review: Prom Queen

This week's Glee review is gonna be setup in the same style as Simon's "Thoughts On..." posts. It's finals, and I gotta an essay to write, a play to revise, and 20 chapters of French to review. Anyway...

The writers acknowledging their bad songs was appreciated. Seriously! Somebody needs to be shot for the "Crazy In Love/Hair" mashup.

Blaine last name is Warbler? How fitting.

Christ, Jesse is a daft little douche!

Wha-WHAT?? "FRIDAY"??? WHAT????

For $5, those are some nice prom dresses.

I'll never understand the whole prom queen/king idea, but this episode makes me glad my high school didn't bother with the stupid thing.

Ending was nice.

God, people in this friggin' show never learn from their mistakes or take any lessons to heart.

Sue pulling a Marathon Man. Classic.

What kind of prom is over at 10?

Seriously! FRIDAY!!!!!!

May 11, 2011

According to the Movies #31

If the movies say it, it must be true.

Gonna delve back into the realm of action movies again. They say write what you know, and I know action movies. You don't mind.

So, every action movie needs a bad guy, right? Of course, because then it's just a bunch of meaningless explosions and death, or, as I like to think of it, Armageddon. But, The Movie Gods are lazy deities, and rather than craft stories that show the villain's motivations, they'd rather have a full bore monologue before the final confrontation. And this usually happens right when the bad guy has the good guy at gun point. And rather than do the logical thing and just shoot his opponent, the villain will usually milk the situation for everything it's worth and talk, giving the good guy plenty of time to find an escape.

Let's think. In Goldeneye, Trevelyan has Bond at gunpoint, and rather than shoot the double o, he pulls out some bullshit line, giving James the window of opportunity to kick out the floor from under him and escape. In Desperado, the Mariachi is cornered by Bucho, and all seems lost. But, Bucho would rather talk about some bullshit, and the Mariachi eventually gets fed up and blows him away. Every Scream movie ends with this exact scenario, sometimes with the villains behaving like even bigger turkeys and actually causing harm to themselves. District 9 is the worst offender of all. Wikus is cornered by Koobus, who proceeds to talk about how he is going to kill him, rather than just doing it.

Jesus, villains are friggin' stupid!

The Lesson: Villains are dumb! They'll have you cornered and will not finish the job. Don't worry. You'll have plenty of time to figure out ways to defeat them, whether it's dropping them off a satellite dish, having your alien cronies take them out, or with good, old fashioned lead. You're better than them!

May 10, 2011

Cinematic Captions #19

Alright, folks. Cleverness caps on. Time to impress me.

But first, winners.

Honorable Mentions: "Don't Answer The Phone! Don't Open the Door! Don't Eat The Shellfish!" (Courtesy of newcomer Madgestic), NOOOOOOO, "I wanted to kill Osama Bin Laden" (Courtesy of Rachel [f.g.i.]), "Hello, fellow LAMB. Just wanted to let you know that The LAMMBYs are coming up and we are hoping for the best voter turnout for the nominations ever. Every Lamb #1-900 is eligible to vote (and to win!), and that includes you. To participate, please go to this site: Thanks!" (Courtesy of Max)

Hehe, Max. You just had to pick this post to put that comment on, didn't you?

This week's winner won because she did exactly what I had hoped for with this particular capture, noticed the seductive manner in which Ghostface was lying, and played it up!


You know, Ghostface, if you stopped trying to kill Monica from Friends and the girl who had lesbian sex with Denise Richards in Wild Things, some girl would probably find that mask pretty sexy.

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (3)
Univarn (3)
Simon (3)
Kai (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)

This week, I'm going the television route. I've been pretty much consumed with Battlestar: Galactica for a few days, so, I'd thought I'd share my current obsession with you.

Risque, I know.

Amuse me!

May 9, 2011

May 6, 2011

Because I Haven't Talked About JoGo In Forever...

By the way, I have contributed. Look me up. (On hitRECord, that is.)

May 5, 2011

Glee: Rumours

MY GOD!!! Brittany's cat is fat!!!!

I guess the writers started singing my tune because they finally decided to address how incredibly incestuous the Glee club is. This week saw rumors fly left and right, orchestrated by (who else) Sue, threatening to break up all the relationships that have cropped up. In order to combat this, Will decree's that the week's lesson will focus solely on the album "Rumours", the undisputed masterpiece of the band, Fleetwood Mac. It's all meant to help the club channel all their strife into making great music, but, of course, Sue isn't gonna give up that easy! Drama, involving stakeouts, sexual politics, duet woes, and fat cats, goes down!

Meanwhile, April has returned, following a disastrous, all white, production of The Wiz on Broadway. She enlists Will's help in writing an original musical based on her life. It goes well, and April invites Will to come to New York with him to get the show on a Broadway stage. Though it's his dream to sing on Broadway, Will can't see himself leaving the club when they are so close to Nationals. What will the good man decide?

Unlike last week's extremely plot heavy episode where shit actually happened, this episode masqueraded as a plot heavy episode when, in reality, nothing really happened. Sure, there is a shit ton of relationship drama, but everyone ends up in the same spot that they started out in, albeit happier. The only people who go through arcs are Will, who is considering pursuing his own dream, and Sam, who, it is revealed, is going through some serious familial troubles.

Music wise, however, this episode was so close to a dream come true. Every song featured here harks from Fleetwood Mac's legendary album, which is alright by me; I do love me some "Rumours"! And there are some real winners in the selections. Kristen Chenoweth's moody take on "Dreams" killed. Santana's heartfelt rendition of "Songbird" was aces, and "Never Going Back Again" sung by Artie stole the show. Unfortunately, the two biggest songs in the selection are probably the weakest. Finn and Quinn's duet of "I Don't Wanna Know" was just alright, and Rachel's take on "You Can Go Your Own Way" was eh.

Honestly though, I'm just pissed they didn't play what is easily the best song on the album. I don't know how they would have worked "Gold Dust Woman" into the episode, seeing as it doesn't really fit any plot line, but I wouldn't have really cared. That song is all kinds of perfect, so any use of it is more than fine by me.

Humor wise, there were some real winners. To see Sue dress up as David Bowie and Ann Coulter in the same scene, all in the name of "being incognito" was HILARIOUS!!! Rachel going around and naming what each glee club couple's moniker is was funny, made doubly so by Puck coining the term "Pisces" for him and Lauren. And Brittany's online show, Fondue For Two, is some of the funniest stuff she's done yet on the show! AND MY GOD THAT CAT IS FAT... and a smoker, apparently.

Glee this week had awesome songs, and good laughs. But nothing really happened in the episode. We don't see the Kurt/Karofsky dynamic furthered in any way. We aren't offered any real insight into the Brittany/Santana thing. And so it goes. All this episode really did was further show off how fucking unreasonable these people can be with each other. Seriously! What is Quinn's deal? I know she's worried of losing Finn again, but Jaysus! Did she have to be such a bitch about it?

Oh well, such is life.

I want that cat. I could use him as a pillow.

May 4, 2011

According to the Movies #30

If the movies say it, it must be true!

So, teachers. Love em' or hate em', they are the people that we can usually thank for whatever situation we find ourselves come adulthood. You don't pay attention in class, you fail that one test. And if you fail that one test, then you get a bad grade, then you fail the class, then you go to bad high school, then you go to a bad college, then you get a bad degree, then you don't get the job you want, and the girl you want to impress won't be impressed, and you won't have kids, and your whole life will be ruined! Now why would you do that to yourself? WHY?

Sorry. Was channelling my 8th grade history teacher for a second there.

Anyway, the best teachers, obviously, are the ones who love their subject. Sometimes, they love it so much that they lose track of time. And inevitably, they are still talking when the bell goes off, and are left to hurriedly shout over the horde of bored students charging towards the door. And it will always be hilarious.

He's not kidding. It's his job!

The Lesson: You're teacher will always be talking when the bell goes off! And you will charge out the room, and the teacher will feebly try to get your attention about something. Maybe a paper that's due. And it's gonna be really funny!

May 3, 2011

Cinematic Captions #18

Alright folks. Cleverness caps on! Time to impress me.

Seriously! New Blood! Please!

Now for the winner.

Honorable Mentions: "Lightsabers are for morons. Look - no hands." (Courtesy of Fletch), "25% lens flare, 25% Marsden, 50% neck muscle photoshop job." (Courtesy of Film Intel)

And the winner is... UNIVARN!!!!

I'm tempted to bring up a Brandon Routh from Scott Pilgrim image as a companion to this...

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (3)
Univarn (3)
Simon (2)
Kai (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)

... but I'm not going to. This week delves into horror.

Impress me.

May 2, 2011

Also I'm Sick...

Spring Fling has done terrible things to me and my comrades. Give me another day to recoup.