April 30, 2011

Spring Fling Means...

Nothing to see here. Keep moving. I'm taking a break today. Enjoy the spring weather. Eat good food. Drink good drinks. Make sweet, sweet love! Don't worry. Be happy!


April 29, 2011

Glee Review: Born This Way

Amazing how one terrible song can ruin multiple good ones.

Shit went down at McKinley this week. Will is finally addressing the fact that no one in the club except Brittany and Mike can dance, so he decides it's time for his little song birds to brush up. Unfortunately, even he could account for how bad a dancer Finn is. Not even five seconds into the first warm up, and already Rachel is suffering from a broken nose, courtesy of everyone's favorite dimwitted tenor. Under guidance from her doctor, Rachel heavily considers getting nose job to repair the damage as well as update her look.

This leads into another look at body image, with Quinn taking a central role. Since she's, like, the epitome of beauty, Rachel wants to look like her. Everyone in the club is against her changing her appearance, except Quinn. This is all explained as certain "aspects" of Quinn's past are brought to light, thanks, in no small part, to Lauren.

All this talk about flaws inspires Will for the week's lesson. The club will work on accepting who they are, individually, and embracing that which they think brings them down.

Meanwhile, Santana is still feverishly trying to win Brittany. Somehow, she discovers Karofsky's big secret, and threatens to out him to the school unless he does exactly what she wants. What she wants being go out with him so they can win Prom Queen and King, thus impressing Brittany enough so that she will leave Artie. But Santana has another request.

And thus concludes Kurt's brief stint at "Tolerance Narnia". With Santana's goading, Karofksy issues a heartfelt apology to everyone's favorite male soprano, and promises to support him from now on. With no threat of bullying from the closeted pigskin player, Kurt returns to McKinley, with the support of Blaine and The Warblers.

And Emma tries to work on her OCD, and Lauren makes a bid for Prom Queen with Puck's help, and Finn learns how to dance, and HOLY SHIT there was a lot of plot in this episode.

Regarding my throwaway remark at the top of this article, this music in this week's episode was aces! That is, until the club started singing Lady Gaga's worst song. Quinn and Rachel's melancholy mash-up of "I Feel Pretty" and "Unpretty" was gorgeous. Blaine and The Warblers serenading Kurt with Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" and brought the house down. Kurt had a solo, crooning out "As If We Never Said Goodbye", and it was the best thing he's sung on the show yet. Finn had a fun number, and the flash mob dancing in the mall to Duck Sauce's "Barbara Streisand" was stupid, but really fun.

And they go and fuck it all up with "Born This Way". Seriously, I know it's just because of the whole Gaga factor that that song is getting so much play, because if it were from everyone else, it would be universally declared a catastrophe. It's really an awful song, and basing a whole episode around performing it for the finale just sunk it. All the other songs ruled, but this one, the focus, brought the whole thing crashing down.

Humor wise, there's not much to write home about, shockingly. Santana had some winner lines int he beginning when she points out every glee club member's flaws. I especially like what she said about Finn's nipples. And Puck's shirt exclaiming his flaw ("I'm With Stupid" with a big arrow pointing to his cock) was easy to miss, but worth searching for. And that's about it. This was a plot episode, not a humor one. To be fair, Sue's not in it at all, so maybe that had something to do with it.

It was a good week, with well written plot and almost flawless dance lineup. A lack of solid laughs hold this one back, but it's friggin' "Born This Way" that really does the episode in. Seriously. I hate that song!

April 28, 2011

Trailer Trash: X-Men: First Class & Harry Potter 7.2

You can wait until tomorrow for the Glee review. It's time to root through some spectacular trailers. What sorts of extremely awesome things will be alluded to today?

First up, X-Men: First Class. If the first trailer wasn't enough, this'll do it. Showing off more footage than any other advertisement, this trailer makes me furious. Why? Because I will be in France on June 3, and won't be able to see it until July.

Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy look great, and the rest of the cast ain't no slouches either. Can't wait to see more of Jennifer Lawrence looking hot and Kevin Bacon as a villain.

Plus, Magneto stopping dozens of missiles with his hand? More please.

The X-Men: First Class trailer is awesome. But, it is no more than a whimper compared to the almighty BANG of the new Harry Potter trailer.


I might as well buy my midnight ticket now!

April 27, 2011

The Black Hole Presents: Top 5 Music Acts Who Need To Score A Film

Composers are all well and good. If traditional composers weren't struttin' their stuff all around the studios, we wouldn't have amazing scores like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Blood and Bone. (That last one was a joke. Funny, right?).

But, if Daft Punk and Trent Reznor showed us anything, it's that a popular music act from the modern era can not only make an effective film score, but they can do it damn well, eschewing the traditional symphonies and bringing something new to the table. Hell, Mastodon wrote the music for Jonah Hex, and that was the only good thing about that piece of crap. Castor beat me to the game with this one, but who's to say I can't come up with my own list? Here is the Black Hole's list of the Top 5 Music Acts That Need To Score A Film. Bet you can't guess who number one is.

To make this list, the act needs to be able to craft interesting and appealing music without the help of lyrics. I know it worked for Eddie Vedder, but, put simply, most film scores won't have lyrics outside of the closing credits. Plus, it presents more of a challenge for the artists, and we all know how much we love a good challenge. Leap with me.

Dream on!

April 26, 2011

Cinematic Captions #17

Alright folks. Cleverness caps on. Time to impress me.


And now, the winners of last week.

Honorable Mention: "Evolution of Man - Shorthand" (Courtesy of Univarn)

And the winner is... FLETCH!!!!

I confess, I didn't see the arrow until after the comments started rolling in. Does that make me daft?

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (3)
Simon (2)
Kai (2)
Univarn (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)

This week, in honor of my disappointment in you all, is filled with rage and lasers!!

Amuse me!

April 25, 2011

Isn't the Internet A Marvelous Thing?

So, I don't know if you've heard, but there's website out there called YouTube that people can upload videos to. Well, someone has finally uploaded a full length film. Girl Walks Into A Bar is directed by me Sebastian Gutierrez, and it's actually pretty good. Well written, clever, with some solid acting. Here's the full thing. Check it out!

April 24, 2011

New Decade, New Rules, Same Story

It seems that, for every trend that rears its head in the horror genre, we will have a Scream film to go with it. Nearly a decade after Sidney, Dewey and Gale last defeated Ghostface, the little bastard is at it again, returning to Woodsboro, the place where it all started, to carve up some teenagers. The question everyone asked when Scream 4 was announced was, "Really? Do we need another one?" Perhaps not, but we're thankful for it. Though it is a tad unnecessary, Scream 4 is actually not bad. It's not as good as the original, but it wisely does away with the problems that sank the first two sequels, those being, all the problems that sink horror sequels. Spruced up to fit in the 21st century, Scream 4, sorry, Scr4m is an enjoyable bloodbath that unfortunately sacrifices scares for laughs, but still manages to keep you consistently on edge.

When he's not killing people, Ghostface is actually a pretty chill guy. 

April 22, 2011

Branching Out

I have reached out the greater public, and am now writing for something else. My school's newspaper, The Free Press, is always looking for people to contribute, so I finally got in contact with the people, and, voila, I'm now writing for them. This past issue had a horribly shortened and more formal version of my GasLand/Mark Ruffalo post (They said they would also get my review of Sucker Punch in there, but I guess not). Now, I have a legitimate excuse to go into town to see movies. This weekend? Scream 4, if I can just find a way to get to Kingston to see it. (This is why I need a car! Hint hint, Mom!)

Also, since I'm, like, the only guy that I know of who writes for them that actually gives a shit about theatre, I'll be covering a lot of that as well. The next issue, God willing, should have a good amount of stuff from me. Check it out, and be nice. We may be pretentious little hipsters here at Bard, but at least we're honest about it.


April 21, 2011

Glee Review: A Night of Neglect

Yeah, sorry I didn't write a review of Original Song. Slipped my mind, and then God bestowed me with catastrophic computer troubles, and since then it just didn't seem worth it. Anyway...

Hot off their win at Regionals, the club discovers, to no one's surprise except their own, that they are still the bottom on the barrel when it comes to social interactions. Even Santana is getting slushied now. But they soldier on, the like the ill advised, precocious little pricks that they are. They need a shit ton of money to pay for the trip to New York for Nationals, so Holly has the grand idea to have a benefit concert. All good, except no one shows up.

Meanwhile, Sue gets Terry, Sandy, and that absurdly douchy guy from the first episode of the season who coaches Vocal Adrenaline together to for a Legion of Doom to destroy the glee club. Every plan she comes up with goes down in flames, but it's what we expect from her by now, so, whatever.

Mercedes out divas even herself in the episode when Lauren convinces her that she is not getting the attention she deserves. This leads to her making egregious demands to the club in exchange for her performing at the benefit. Basically, she makes me hate even more than I already did.

Yeah, nothing really happened in this episode, save for Holly finally exiting the picture and brief segment that only served to remind us that the whole Kurt/Karofsky thing is still going on and that we shouldn't have forgotten about it, even though no one has said anything about it for the past few episodes. Boring.

Why are you here, and why do you look like a chipmunk?!?

Songs were eh this week. Sunshine makes a sudden reappearance, sings "All By Myself" and then disappears again, just as suddenly. Not worth the press, if you ask me. Holly has an ok song, and Mercedes has an ok song. They are both good, but neither of them go much further than "ok".

I also think this might be the first episode in the entire series where Rachel doesn't open her mouth to sing once. Not even for a choir position. Wow.

Humor wise, it faltered a bit, but still delivered some winning jokes. I laughed uproariously when Sandy referred to himself as "predatory gay", chuckled amicably as Mercedes' demand for a fresh puppy to dry her hands on, and got a kick out of Vocal Adrenaline's coach coming with for different ways to say "I'm hot" in one sentence.

As a film buff, I have to wonder if Paltrow's imitation of Wallis Simpson for her history class had anything to do with The King's Speech winning big at the Oscars. Either way, it's hilarious to hear her referred to as a "hermaphrodite Nazi sympathizer".

But, let's be honest, Glee wasn't all that this week. There's only a few episodes left in the season, so let's hope they can muster the troops and come back hard.

So, how bout that chick who spoiled the whole prom king/queen surprise for us? Bitch!

April 20, 2011

In Other News: Gordon-Levitt and Cotillard's Dark Knight Characters Confirmed

Following the swill of rumors regarding who these two would be playing (JoGo was this close to being confirmed as Alberto Falcone, and Cotillard was most heavily applied to Talia Al'Ghul), we now finally have confirmation, IGN reports.

"Cotillard will appear as Miranda Tate, a Wayne Enterprises board member eager to help a still-greiving Bruce Wayne resume his father's philanthropic endeavors in Gotham.

Gordon-Levitt will play John Blake, a Gotham city beat cop assigned to special duty under the command of Commissioner Gordon."

There you go! Rather than have them playing roles fans of the comics know and love, Nolan is placing two of his most talented actors in roles he created. Now the rumors begin to brew as to what parts these two will play in the grand scheme of things. Is JoGo's John Blake assigned by Gordon to hunt Batman down, or is he instead going to be covertly aiding the caped crusader? Does MaCo's Tate only want to elevate Bruce Wayne, or does she have something trickier in mind?

Dear God! Why can't this movie exist now? We don't even have one production still, and I'm already dying from the wait!

April 19, 2011

It's LAMMY Time

Break it down!

It is that time of year again folks. If the Academy can hand out awards to their favorites, then so can the LAMB. The 2011 LAMMYs have kicked off. You know the drill. Head over to the poll and nominate me your favorite LAMBs for everything under the sun. But, no really. Please vote for me. I'm really proud of how much my site grew over the last year, and I would love a nomination. Even so, regardless if you don't vote for me, you should still get out there and let your voice be heard, because there are countless LAMBs that are deserving of at least one of the awards. Follow the link. Do your civic duties!


Cinematic Captions #16

Alright folks! Cleverness caps on! Time to impress me.

But first, a PSA. I love that this thing has caught on, and has developed a following, but I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I want more people taking part. So, here's what's gonna happen. Pass along the feature to your friends and blogging buddies and tell them to take part. The more new blood the better. Most importantly, tell them to tell me that you sent them. The person who sends me the most fresh faces gets something special (to be determined later).

In no way does this have anything to do with the fact that the LAMMY noms went live yesterday, and I really want this to get nominated for Best Feature!

And now, last week's winner!

Honorable Mentions: "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" (Courtesy of Castor), "YOU...KILLED...A...MARMOT????" (Courtesy of Rachel [f.g.i]).

We have a new addition to the board this week.

The winner is... Mad Hatter!!!!

It grows ever bigger (that's what she said)!!!

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (2)
Simon (2)
Kai (2)
Univarn (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)

This week's took me awhile to choose. I grabbed four screens from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and all of them were equally hilarious. But, I finally went for this one.

Amuse me!

April 18, 2011

April 16, 2011

Pay Attention Honkies!

LAMB Movie of the Month makes it triumphant return today. Every month, the whole community gets together to discuss one particular flick. Headed up by an exclusive LAMBcast, and backed by articles written by others, one film is heavily scrutinized, as only the Large Ass. Movie Blogs can do it. For it's triumphant return, the community decided that the first Movie of the Month would be Black Dynamite. Hell yeah!

I'll admit. Blaxploitation is not a realm of film I am very well versed in. In fact, I wouldn't say I'm versed in it at all, as I haven't seen one example of the genre. That being said, I am well aware of the quirks that define films of that sort. The crazy, over dramatic, sudden zooms. The completely unnecessary explosions. The afros. The machoness. The saturated colors. The white villains. And so on and so on. Lately, there has been an influx of mainstream grindhouse pics, thanks to Tarantino and Rodriguez popularizing the medium, but most of them have taken themselves completely seriously... or, rather, as seriously as a film like Hobo With A Shotgun can be taken. Black Dynamite, on the other hand, is a spoof. It does not take itself seriously in any context, and is full to bursting with joke after joke after karate chop after joke. It's a smart, savvy, witty, stab at everything blaxploitation. And, funnily enough, it teaches valuable life lessons on the etiquette of interrupting someone's kung fu. You won't learn these things anywhere else kids. Pay attention.

What did you just say about my hair?

April 15, 2011

Trailer Trash: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Time to root through some trailers. What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes?? Christ, that's a mouthful! What was wrong with simply Rise of the Apes? I think the same point would have been sent.

Anyway, ROTPOTA chronicles the beginning of the war for supremacy whose aftermath was the subject of a bunch of movies staring Charlton Heston. It sees a genetically superior ape get injected with a serum that, unbeknownst to the scientists administering the thing, rapidly increases intelligence. Soon, said ape is at the head of a merry charge, leading his brethren in an all out assault on the human race.

James Franco is the head science guy. I don't know much of what he's doing here, other than injecting apes with none too savory formulas, but the same can be said about the rest of cast as well, which includes Freida Pinto, Tom Felton, and Brian Cox. They aren't the point of the trailer.

No, the main point of the trailer is too highlight the special effects used to create the apes, courtesy of WETA Digital. Rather than go the Tim Burton reboot route and douse the actors in makeup, all the apes here are mo-capped, with everyone's go to guy in the field, Andy Serkis, taking the role of the main monkey. The special effects actually look pretty decent, and there are some really cool shots in the trailer.

We won't have long to wait until the apes rise; the movie drops on August 5th. While I'm still holding out until I see more, suffice to say, this trailer has got me intrigued. This could be one of the sleeper hits of the summer. We'll see. Where's my banana?

April 14, 2011

According to the Movies #29

If the movies say it, it must be true!

This week's lesson is in honor of Scream 4 being released this Friday.

One of the scary things about living in the Scream universe is that the Ghostface costume is so easy to come by. If their not giving out the things at movie theaters or hanging a bunch of em' in a studio closet somewhere, you can find one in your local Spirit store. So, that means, anyone could be the killer, since anyone can get their hands on the getup. And since you are a rational human being who doesn't want to get gutted by Sydney Prescott's latest would be murderer, there are some things you should do.

Lesson 1: Pay attention to your local costume stores. If someone buys a Ghostface costume, hunt that bastard down, slap them, and burn that thing.

Lesson 2: Ban Ghostface costumes.

Lesson 3: If you are going to get stabbed in the back, make sure you have Dewey's back. Seriously. That thing is friggin' resilient.

Poor Randy. That was uncalled for.

April 13, 2011

My Cinematic Alphabet

I'm cashing in on this. Enjoy.

(500) Days of Summer

Apocalypse Now

Black Swan

Children of Men

The Departed

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind


The Godfather

Hotel Rwanda


Jurassic Park

Kung Fu Hustle

Let Me In

Moulin Rouge

North By Northwest

Ocean's Eleven

Pulp Fiction

Quest for Camelot
(didn't see that coming, did ya?)

Raiders of the Lost Ark



United 93

V For Vendetta


X2: X-Men United

Y Tu Mama Tambien


April 12, 2011

Cinematic Captions #15

Alright folks. Cleverness caps on. Time to impress me!

But first, last week's winner.

Honorable Mentions: "YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!" (Courtesy of Simon), "Man, this midget blowjob thing sounded way better when we left the house." (Courtesy of The Rapid Reviewer).

And the winner, for the second time is... UNIVARN!!!!!

And no, Univarn. You don't get points for doubling down on the references, although this one was really well played!!!

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (2)
Simon (2)
Kai (2)
Univarn (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)

Alright, I'm feeling digital this week. Here ya go!

Amuse me!

April 11, 2011

Deliciously Beckettish

When it comes to sci-fi these days, for the most part, it's all about the explosions! The effects! The metal on metal! Restrained, other worldly sci-fi is hard to come by in our age. Only Duncan Jones seems to be interested in providing us that, and Source Code had one foot firmly in the realm of EXPLOSIONS. Thank God, then, that we have those movies to look back on. You know, those movies! The ones that are more interested in crafting new and weird worlds, with characters coping with situations far beyond their stations. Though the undisputed masterpiece of this type of film is Blade Runner, one film that flew under my radar until an article by one, Kai Parker, called my attention it was Dark City. And good on me for checking it out, because it friggin' rocks! Dark City is a devilishly clever, creepy, inventive science fiction epic that revels in the absurd and the noir. The guys behind this one certainly love them some Sam Beckett, which is recipe for something wonderful.

This won't hurt a bit. 

April 9, 2011

When I'm Down...

I'm going through some drama right now, involving, well you know, teenage things, so I'm feeling just a tad depressed. Thank God for WALL-E and EVE. No matter how shitty I feel, their dance always makes me smile. It's the best medicine.

April 8, 2011

Other Sides to the Conversation: Week of July 8th

Christ, Satre is difficult to act! This was fulfilling!

You smug bastard!

Anyway, here are some things upon which you can click, which will take you to new things, upon which you can read. 

Hatter delves deep into the soul and lists off the 100 things that he loves about movies

Fletch offers up a new installment in his excellent "Imagining Sequels That Will Never Happen" feature. 

Andy and I have pretty opposing views of Sucker Punch. His review, here

Reel Insight took on Jo-Go this week. Well done ladies!

Tom and Nick are taking part in "The Cinematic Alphabet" meme. Good stuff. 

That's all she wrote for now. Peace!

April 7, 2011

Trailer Trash: Crazy, Stupid, Love

Time to root through some trailers. What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

Steve Carrell, at least to me, doesn't get the proper amount of props as a dramatic actor that he should. Sure, he's most well known for not getting laid for forty years and for inviting Christina Applegate to the "pants party", but he can do serious stuff when called upon. Look at Little Miss Sunshine. Hell, look at Dan In Real Life. 

Anyway, he looks to be tapping into the dramatic well for Crazy, Stupid, Love, a rom-com with seemingly darker aspirations. Sure, it's a plot we've seen in countless flicks, but the cast included suggests something a bit more mature. Sure, we have Carrell, and we have Emma Stone. But, we also have Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Marisa Tomei, and Kevin Bacon. A cast that strong certainly has me intrigued.

What did I think of the trailer? Uh... they played one of Muse's best songs in it. Of course I loved it. I'm just wondering if the "Muse Trailer Music" curse that sunk Knight and Day and The Tourist will have any effect on this. We'll just have to wait and see.

April 6, 2011

The Mask Sends the Message

So, hell week is doing it's job, meaning that I have no time to do anything other than work on the show. I'm in rehearsals all night, every night, and every second not in rehearsal or class is spent sleeping. So, I don't have any real post today. But, since it was one of my unspoken new year's resolutions to post something everyday without fail, here's something cool. A bunch of artists "reimagine" Darth Vader's helmet. Take a look. There are more than a few winners.

April 5, 2011

Cinematic Captions #14

Alright, folks! Cleverness caps on! Time to impress me!

But first, last week's winners.

Honorable Mention: "Looks like that Proactiv stuff really work for ya." (Courtesy of Rachel [f.g.i.])

As much as pains me to say it, Castor was right.

And the winner is... Kai!!!

Part of me hopes Dylan starts a feud with Kai over this. I always wanted to be the instigator of a war. (Not actually true!)

The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (2)
Simon (2)
Kai (2)
Univarn (1)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)

Alright, for this week, we're getting a bit manic!

Amuse me!!