Black As Raven, Dumb As Bricks

I don't know what the whole Snow White craze in Hollywood is all about. Between this and Mirror Mirror, we're getting more than our fair share of the "fairest of them all". Maybe the gods of showbiz are aware of some growing trend, but whatever. I have no stomach for speculation. All I know is that if this trend continues, we are in for some dire circumstances. Though it has good ideas, boasts spiffy visuals, and has one hell of a villain, Snow White and the Huntsman is a pretty terrible movie, with an awful screenplay, undeveloped heroes and predictable plotting. It's all dirt and grime and loud noises, and while I think it's a great move taking something as kiddy as Snow White and making it hyper dark, this is not the way to do it.

I'm the God of Thunder. You love vampires. This will never work!

Cattle Rustlers From Another Planet

Now that the BIG movie of the season has dropped, the time of transition has begun, from Summer to Oscar. This is the time where we start to see a decrease in the explosions and an increase in drama and carefully planned character development. Usually, this is the time where we say goodbye to the likes of Transformers, GI Joe, and other dumb, action movies of that ilk, and we say hello to the likes of District 9, (500) Days of Summer, and films that, while maybe not the sort that will be recognized come the Academy Awards, nicely allude to the level of quality to come. Cowboys & Aliens is such a film, a truly masterful character study of men pushed to the edge, up against overwhelming odds, with wonderful redemption to be found and... 


Haha, had you going there for a minute, didn't I? No, what Cowboys & Aliens really is, is a a rip-snorting, action packed, genre mash-up that has an awesome concept, but fails to actually live up to it. Performances are passable at best, and the action doesn't do any more than it has to. The whole project seems like it came out because one studio head said, "Pourquoi pas?", which is never a good sign. 

Six shooters vs. lasers. We can do that.. right?

Not So Savvy!!

I'm pressed for time. It's late, and I got friends to see, podcasts to record, and packing to do tomorrow, so, this'll be brief.

Simon, I'm gonna be taking after your own style again. I hope you don't mind. For the record, you got my vote!

Anyway...

Not With A Bang, But With A Whimper

The end of the world is scary concept that plenty of films have played with! We've seen countless directors destroy civilization in one way or another, be it with massive rocks from space, or the fury of mother nature, but very rarely do we actually see a film go all the way and straight up destroy the planet! Titan AE was the remedy of that situation! It presented the really cool concept of life after earth, with plenty of action to be had, but then something terrible happened! The makers of the film decided to make it a kids movie! WHAAAAAT?? Now, let me go on record. I liked it when I first saw it. I first saw it when it came out! I was eight, and I loved anything with explosions. I have since developed a thing called taste, and can now take a critical look at the thing. Titan AE has good ideas, to be sure. But, it absolutely sucks as a film!

Well that's not good!

Decisions! Decisions!

Day 8 of my Joseph Gordon-Levitt marathon finally hits a snag. Is it possible that he could be involved in a bad film that doesn't involve the phrase, "Yo Joe", where he is the lead? Believe it!

They say that a decision is everything. One small decision can shake the very fabric of the world, turn it on it's head, and change the lives of everyone involved. The film Uncertainty deals with the unpredictable nature of decisions, and the various outcomes that could come from the different ones presented to you. It's a lucrative topic that can provide a wonderful amount of content and substance that will make a great film. So, why does this suck? A clever gimmick can carry a film (see Brick). But, you also need a good script and story to help out, and Uncertainty has neither, instead relying specifically on the setup to keep the audience interested. It's a lazy attempt at the dual plot thing perfected by Memento. 

Motion Blur!

Gangsta Kids With Latchkey Parents

Day 4 of the JGL craze is... interesting. This is a film that he barely features in, but, since I saw it, I figured I might as well review it.

There's always at least one of those people. You know who I'm talking about. A privileged white kid who is so oppressed by all the misfortune in their life (ha) that they adopt a gangsta lifestyle, and go around acting like total assholes all the time. You know, the kids who wear the mint condition Laker caps at ridiculous angles, rock the BluBlocker sunglasses like they're going out of style, sag their pants so low they might as well not be wearing them, and talk with such vulgar, misogynistic syntax that all you want to do is punch them in the face? Yeah, you know those guys. Well, if you have an aversion to people like that, stay far the fuck away from Havoc, because that's all you're gonna get! This, supposed, deconstruction of the teen, thug lifestyle has a few good things going for it, but all of them get lost in a juvenile script, ridiculous performances, and a mindset so immature that you feel dumber for having watched it.

Crank dat!

Your Worst Nightmare

Well, I guess it's that time of the year. You all know what I'm talking about. That point in the year where nothing interesting is coming out, and the studios think it's prime pickings for the latest horror reboot. We saw it last year with Friday the 13th, The Last House on the Left, and Sorority Row. All these remakes of classic slasher films coming out here and there, and it makes me wonder. Do the people making these new versions ever see the originals? I mean, sure; of course they have, but it seems as if they don't retain anything. Whenever filmmakers make these reboots, they discard everything that was special about the originals, whatever that may be, and, instead, fall back on cheap scares and cliched scripting. A Nightmare on Elm Street is no different, but with one major reservation. I just want to get this out of the way. There is one really good aspect of this new Nightmare! So good, in fact, that it makes the entire movie worse when you realize that everything else in this Michael Bay produced train wreak sucks by comparison to this one thing.

Freddy certainly knows how to torture.

Fall Is More Like It

Uggg, that was disappointing. I actually had some hopes for Clash of the Titans. I mean, it stars Sam Worthington, who, with Avatar, has proved to be a legitimate star, and it's based off an 80s classic staring Laurence Olivier and a stop motion Medusa. Now, we have the remake, and oh, how far society has fallen.

So Tough To Kill!

You know, I gotta stop making ultimatums before I see the finished product. Before tonight, I was all set to name 2008 as, "The Year of The Comic Book Super Hero." The Dark Knight was the best comic book adaptation ever. Hellboy 2 combined a ton of stylized action with Guillermo Del Toro's unique sense of style. Iron Man resurrected Robert Downey Jr. and kick started a brilliant franchise. The Incredible Hulk was good enough, and Wanted was just plain fun. It was all looking so gravy. Then The Spirit came along. Heh, heh, I'm gonna have to come up with a better, more appropriate title for this year.

The Spirit takes place in Central City, in some weird, screwed up version of the 1950s where the people have cell phones. So, there's this guy, called The Spirit, who is dead, I think. Well, he is technically dead, but he still manages to jump across the rooftops, beat the crap out of criminals, and seduce the pants off every woman he meets. But, since this is a comic adaptation, there needs to be a villain. The said villain is called The Octopus, so called, because he has eight of everything, which isn't actually true, but whatever, we'll role with it. Then there are some girls with connections to The Spirit. There's his doctor. There's the old flame. There's The Octopus' henchwoman. There's the... oh, christ, I can't go on, this shit is bananas! The story is based on a line of comics by Will Eisner, and if this movie is any indication, it's pretty  haphazardly put together. 

Gabriel Macht plays The Spirit, and I quite liked him, actually. He's pretty monotone, keeps one expression for the whole time, and has no chemistry with the females. And he monologues... like, all the time. Dear God, please stop the monologues! But, he's supposed to be dead, so I bought it. There are three main girls caught up in the mix. Sarah Paulson plays Ellen Dolan, The Spirit's, uh, physician. Pretty much every scene she is in is ridiculous. She's bad, let's leave it at that. Scarlett Johansson plays Silken Floss (yes, that's her name), The Octopus' sidekick, who has a really bad habit of explaining the bad guy's master plan right before the put the hero in a situation where he can escape. Johansson is also really bad. Again, let's leave it at that. And there's Eva Mendes, who plays Sand Saref, world class jewel thief and old flame of The Spirit. Her only real contribution to the film is that she shows some skin. Really, the only purpose the women in this movie serve is providing pure, unadulterated eye candy. All you feminists, eat your heart out! And Samuel L. Jackson, as The Octopus, really overacts. In this year's Scenery Chewing Awards, he takes Best of the Year, Best of the Decade, and Lifetime Achievement. It's entertaining, to be sure, but come on, Mr. Jackson. What happened to you doing roles in movies like Pulp Fiction, Unbreakable, and Patriot Games. Man, you are a sellout!

So, director Frank Miller is really good at making a good looking film, and that's about it. Like Sin City and 300, which he created, The Spirit is drenched in style. The two main colors are black and white, which makes the red tint of blood, or the bright glow of gold pretty much jump off the screen and punch you in the face. It's awesome. But, when it comes to making a story not steeped in cliches, crafting characters we can care about, and coming up with some witty scenarios amid all the bloodshed, he kinda fails. Sure, the movie looks great, but we've come to expect that from him. It's fucking Frank Miller! But he also wrote the script. He comes up with some weird premise involving the blood of Hercules, or something. It's not really explained. Come to think of it, a lot of things in this movie are not really explained. Like, why the hell is Samuel L. Jackson dressed up like a samurai in this scene? And then, why the hell is he dressed like a Nazi in another scene thirty minutes later? Expect headaches. Miller also took a lot of cues from the movie of Sin City, namely the crazy amount of narration from the hero. But, in Sin City, Robert Rodriguez had the sense to cast actors with some sort of emotion in their voices. Miller made the wise choice to cast a monotone actor as the hero. There are so many things wrong with this, from crap script and casting, to an overbearing use of special effects. Oh, so many problems.

Like I said, The Spirit single handedly ruins 2008's chances to be a flawless year of comic book adaptations. Granted, most of the other ones were so good, the title will probably stick. But, I still hate this movie. Somewhere, in his grave, Will Eisner is crying.

Lion Falls in Love With Lamb. Stupid Movie Goer!

Uggg. I haven't been looking forward to this. Like that little speck in the sky that is the massive asteroid that will eventually end all life on our planet, Twilight has been looming over me, ready to destroy me with it's supposed earnestness and sweet love story. I saw a trailer of this a while back, and thought, "Dear God! Could they make that movie look more depressing?" I saw it as some cheap, poorly made fantasy story about forbidden love, only it would be the exact same thing we had seen before. And it turns out I was right.

Twilight's premise can be summed up in a few short sentences. Angst ridden teenager moves to Depressistan. Teenager meets and falls in love with recluse boy. Turns out boy is a vampire. Shit happens. Ok, fine, that's a bit harsh. Here are the details. Angst ridden teenager Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. At school, she meets Edward Cullen. Her emotions toward Eddie are a bit mixed, seeing as she is mesmerized by him despite the fact that he acts like a huge dick to her most of the time. It turns out that he is a vampire, and he really wants to drink her blood. So he's being a dick to push her away. Yeah, but Bella's not gonna take that. Eventually they fall in love. Everything works out alright, you say? Ha, foolish human. By some strange coincidence, another pack of vampires comes to town, and they really want to drink Bella's blood. Vampire violence and cheesy love ensues. On the surface, it looks original, but as you progress, it's just a hip, more emo version of Beauty and the Beast. It doesn't really bring anything new to the whole "forbidden love" style of story telling, and I, due to the fact that I am dead inside, found the love story to be completely ludicrous, and actually a little creepy. There are some good moments, but I will talk about them later.   

Kristen Stewart plays Bella. I've heard from a friend of mine that the character of Bella is not supposed to be pretty. So, I guess that aspect of the story got thrown to the dogs, because Bella is quite a looker in this one. She actually does a pretty good job, conveying the right amount of emotion when she needs to. So she basically needs to look distressed for the entire thing. But, she does a decent job, despite the script and direction. Robert Pattison plays Edward. You may remember Pattison from the way his body pirouetted through the air as he died in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. (Speaking of which, the new trailer for Harry Potter is attached to this.) And guess what. He did a much better job in that movie then he does here. Sure, he is beautiful, but, unlike Stewart, that is the only thing he has going for him. You see him walk into the frame, and all you can think is, "My God, he is so white!" There is something wrong with a movie when all you can think about is the main character's skin color. There are other supporting roles, but they're not worth mentioning. I will say that Cam Gigandet does a great job as the bad vampire. He looks like he would suck your blood, unlike Edward. 

Director Catherine Hardwicke is not the most likely choice to direct this. On reflection, she probably shouldn't have. Her best movie was Lords of Dogtown, which saw Heath Ledger and Emile Hirsh skateboarding and being cool. This movie could not be more different from that. Instead of the vibrant colors she used in Lords, Hardwicke is employing the My Chemical Romance color palette. That is, gray, white, gray, a little red, gray, some other colors, and gray. This is probably the most visually depressing film I have seen this year. The fact that all the other characters, with there just short of albino skin, almost blend into the background doesn't really help. I don't know what you think, but it helps your movie if you can actually see the characters. The special effects are pretty bad as well. They consist of a vampire running real fast, jumping to enormous heights, or grappling with another vampire. The technique used is simple. Blur the image of the character as he runs, so it looks like he's running fast. You' think they could do better. This movie probably had a huge budget, and by the looks of it, most of that went into voice lessons for Pattison, so that he could cover up that sexy British accent of his. This is not a well directed or visually compelling movie, to say the least. 

Now, and I going a lot of crap for this, despite the fact that it is a love story, and it's meant for "young adults," it is still a vampire story, and that is the movie's biggest flaw. It doesn't feel like a vampire movie. A vampire movie should scare you, a lot. Hey, Dracula was technically a love story, but Dracula managed to scare the shit out of me. Hell, even Queen of the Damned does a better job at giving us potentially life threatening and dangerous beasts. And, for those who care to know, Queen of the Damned sucked. Anyway, Edward goes on and on about he is a monster, that he's killed people. Forgive me, but it doesn't look like he's killed so much as a gerbil in his entire immortal life span. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, this is a different type of vampire, but I don't care. Give me some proof that this guy would rip my head off, drink my blood and enjoy it, and maybe I'll hop on the band wagon.

Now, I said I would talk about the good scenes. There is one good scene that I liked. A dude has his head and appendages ripped off and burned. Delicious.

But, you know what? What I am saying has no bearing on how people will view this. Twilight will make absurd amounts of money. It will probably spawn a clothing line, lunch boxes, beach towels, Hasbro action figures, and more. You have already decided if you love Twilight or not. It will appeal to it's fans; they will just eat it up. I know I'm not the target audience, but then, I do not consider myself the target audience for any film. I review based on the quality of the film, not because I was biased toward the thing before I even went in. So, if you are already a fan, go for it. Damn the torpedoes. For the rest of you? Rent Interview With a Vampire.