September 30, 2010

Glee Review: Britney/Brittany

Now that's more like it!

Glee this week picked up with, no surprise, the club bitching about Will's song choices for them for the homecoming assembly. Kurt is big on the idea of doing Britney Spears at the assembly, but Will, clearly still shellshocked from the club's scandalous performance of "Push It" from the previous year, is not having it! Neither is Brittany, who reveals that she has a deep seeded loathing of Britney Spears since their names are so alike (Brittany S. Pierce).

Meanwhile, Emma's new BF, an unrealistically good looking dentist by the name of Carl, shows up, and Will suckers him into giving the club a lecture on dental hygiene. This leads to Brittany ending up in Carl's chair, due to her having "the worst teeth he's ever seen"! He knocks her out with some anesthesia, and puts on Pandora. Lo and behold, what comes on, but Britney Spears. With the combo of the music and the narcotics, Brittany hallucinates that she is just as talented as the pop diva (which is not saying much; the talent of Britney Spears is questionable at best). This leads her to become drastically more confident and willing to perform Spears' songs with the club. Santana, Rachel, and Artie soon all jump onto the drug wagon, and all have Brittany inspired hallucinations of their own.

Meanwhile, Will is trying to become less uptight, thinking that it will impress Emma. Rachel and Finn are still affirming their love for each other. Artie is still obsessed with winning back Tina. Santana is still a skank, and Sue is still Sue!

First off, the big thing about this episode! It's Heather Morris' coming out party! Though she is beloved all around as Brittany, she hasn't had her turn in the spotlight, until now. I think I can sum up how she did in one word.


Who knew she could do that? Not only is Morris absurdly hot performing all of Spears' risque moves to the likes of "Toxic", "Me Against the Music", and "Slave", but the girl can sing! Unless she has been autotuned all to hell - which, knowing this show, is a possibility - Morris has a damn fine voice! Her one liners are here in full force, so worry not. Did I mention she's absurdly hot in this episode? To see her baring her stomach in a green bikini top and tiny jean shorts with a snake draped across her shoulders... I'm getting all hot n' bothered just writing about it! My out of control hormones aside, Morris' does a bang up job, and I really hope she gets more solos in the future!

The music in this episode was really good, and this is coming from someone who greatly loathes the artist who made it. The inclusion of Spears' songs is good for the show, though nowhere near as effective as "The Power of Madonna". The songs didn't really mesh with the story, since most of them were just hallucinations where the characters relived the music video of said song. As if to further drive home the fact that the writers weren't as inspired by Britney as they were Madonna, the episode ends with Paramore's "The Only Exception". What?

Speaking of weak points, Will's plot line of becoming less uptight was also not up to snuff. The show took it in some weird directions, as when he performs "Toxic" with the club on stage in front of everyone. There were some comedic moments, both involving Jacob, that were too over the top, even for Glee. The "Britney Spears sex riot", as Sue called it, was funny, but took it way too far, though the punchline of Sue getting trampled and threatening to sue Will was great!

John Stamos' Carl is a nice introduction to the cast. Sam and Sunshine are nowhere to be seen this week, further driving home the fact that they were just afterthoughts to begin with, and Bieste only made a brief appearance. All the other regulars are fine, but it's Morris who really stands out in this one. Her performance singlehandedly brings this episode back up to where Glee was before the lackluster premiere. Atta girl Brittany! Maybe you're not so dumb after all!

September 29, 2010

According to the Movies #12

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Since stupid mainstream America loves to see shit blow up and their hero/heroine mercilessly kill thousands of worthless henchmen, Hollywood is going to provide, and rake in mad profit! Now, I realize that it's ridiculous to analyze the realism of a balls to the wall action movie, but, then again, the whole point of this series is to point out the ridiculous aspects of movies that you might not notice! Anyway, since moviegoers want a hero/heroine they can cheer for and whose survival they need not worry about, bullets and swords and other things that can kill you don't touch the protagonist, or, if they do, don't effect them in the slightest! Arnold Schwarzenegger can run through a whole platoon of guys, gunning them down left and right, and nothing will happen to him (Commando, True Lies)! Russell Crowe can crash into a contingent of medieval soldiers, laying waste and whatnot, and receive nary a scratch (Gladiator, Robin Hood)!

The Lesson: If you are the hero/heroine in an action movie, take heart! The movie gods have bestowed thee with invincibility, and awesome badassery! You will kick so much ass, and you won't sustain a single wound! You! Are! A! God!

Disclaimer: There is a part two to this lesson! Tune in next week!

September 27, 2010

Trailer Trash: The Fighter

It's time to root through some trailers. What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

Gotta love the uplifting sports movie, don't ya? You gotta especially love the ones that feature a once mighty giant returning from obscurity. Those stories are always riveting, aren't they! Too bad they are all mired by cliche and over exaggeration, but, who cares! The underdog wins, damn it!

The Fighter traces the ascent of Mickey Ward, a lowly Bostonian who sweeps streets by day, pounds faces by night! He is trained by his cracked out brother, Dicky Eklund. When Dicky becomes too much a liability, Mickey leaves him behind as he gains fame! There's a love interest and a promise of redemption!

Mark Wahlberg is getting a lot of Oscar buzz for his portrayal of Mickey! He looks ready to impress, especially since he has gotten consistently better as of late. The real stand out looks to be Christian Bale as Dicky! Bale is almost at Machinist levels of thin for this film, having lost all his beef to convincingly play a crackhead! If Bale is anywhere near as good as we know he can be, and Oscar nom is definitely incoming! Amy Adams is the love interest. Whatever.

Ok, the film. Not interested. Sure, Wahlberg and Christian look ready to for Oscar gold, but this just looks like ripoff of every other sports film of its kind! There's definite shades of Rocky, and especially of The Wrestler in this trailer. If the movie can bring enough to the table to warrant a look, fantastic! But, it just looks to be treading old ground. SHENANIGANS!!

September 26, 2010

Starting Tomorrow

Tune into the LAMB on Monday! I'll be running the first installation of a new weekly feature for the site. I think it's gonna be a fu little thing, and Dylan approves of it mightily! High praise, indeed! It'll be exciting, oh, and I almost forgot, it will be interactive! So, head on over to the LAMB tomorrow and take part! Thank you, my pretties!

Time for an animal! This is a sloth!

Cute enough for ya Megan?

September 25, 2010

Not With A Bang, But With A Whimper

The end of the world is scary concept that plenty of films have played with! We've seen countless directors destroy civilization in one way or another, be it with massive rocks from space, or the fury of mother nature, but very rarely do we actually see a film go all the way and straight up destroy the planet! Titan AE was the remedy of that situation! It presented the really cool concept of life after earth, with plenty of action to be had, but then something terrible happened! The makers of the film decided to make it a kids movie! WHAAAAAT?? Now, let me go on record. I liked it when I first saw it. I first saw it when it came out! I was eight, and I loved anything with explosions. I have since developed a thing called taste, and can now take a critical look at the thing. Titan AE has good ideas, to be sure. But, it absolutely sucks as a film!

Well that's not good!

September 24, 2010

Glee Review: Audition

I've endured your scorn and ridicule for many things! My obsession with Muse. My recommendations of films that are generally loathed. Hey, Transformers was goofy fun! I was alright with that! I'm prepared to endure a whole hell of lot more after this; I really like Glee! I'm not a Gleek, but... well, no, actually, let's not mince words. I am a Gleek, and proud of it! Sorry, I like the show! So, in honor of this, I'm going to do what all good people with unhealthy obsessions do; write about it.

Tuesday night marked the beginning of the new season, and saw Will Schuester's glee club reeling from their loss at regionals in the season finale! Rather than push forward with new stories, the writers of the show pulled a fast one on us, and hit the reset button! So, we see all the kids start again. Just when they thought they were slowly climbing the social ladder, fate came down like a demon bitch and kicked them back down to the bottom! So, Kurt is still getting slushies to the face; Rachel is still a controlling pain in the ass, Puck and Finn are still obsessed with being cool and popular, Artie is still depressed, and Brittany is... well, she's still Brittany, but that's not a bad thing!

That's not to say that everything is the same, oh no! The show opens with Will and Sue "le gasp" on good terms, united against a common enemy in the form of new football coach, Shannon Bieste. That's pronounced "beast". It's french! Tina is dating Mike, having displayed extreme shallowness and dumping Artie because he wouldn't put out. Quinn, having given birth to her bastard, is ready to be the queen of the school again, which she accomplishes all too easily thanks to her exceptional bartering skills! And Santana comes back to school with a new set of, umm... assets!

The club is eager to recruit new members, leading them to single out two individuals! The guys scope out a transfer student by the name of Sam, who is clearly destined to be Kurts future plaything! Just sayin'. Rachel runs into a foreign exchange student by the name of Sunshine, who has a killer voice. But, of course, Rachel's epically huge ego gets in the way of Sunshine joining.

Ok, so, now that you have the set up, how was the episode! Well, the opening, which saw Jacob addressing all the complaints that real world have lobbied at the show, was brilliant. And then it was downhill from there! None of the songs really carried much punch! The "Telephone" duet that Rachel and Sunshine take part in in the girl's bathroom is alright, but the best part was Sue's perfectly timed "Shut up!" at the very end. Sam and the guy's rendition of "Billionaire" sucked, and Rachel's finale was the exact same thing we've seen her do countless times.

Thankfully though, the best part of the show, the humor, is still here in full force! Sue has some great one liners, as always, and everyone of Brittany's lines, all two of them, are solid gold! There is also some great line delivery on the part of Puck.

The actors all play their roles in the way we've gotten accustomed to. Nothing's really changed, and the newbies don't stand out, with the exception of Dot Jones' Bieste. This highlights my main issue with this season premier! It's treading old ground too much! It's only the beginning, so, I have plenty of hope, but, this is not the Glee I know and love! Come on guys! Give me some feeling!

September 22, 2010

According to the Movies #11

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Have you noticed it? That strange phenomena? Has it ever occurred to you that movies where a serial killer is the main focus never end on a happy note! Disregard parodies and send ups from that list; no one wants to hear Ghostface or Chucky in this forum! Anyway, it's actually kinda scary. Think about it! Se7en ends with Brad Pitt gunning down Kevin Spacey in a fit of rage after Spacey puts Pitt's wife's head in a box! Zodiac ends with the main character's lives in disarray after they realize that their obsession with the case was slowly driving them insane! Though Laurie survives in Halloween, Michael is still on the loose! Freddy Krueger lives in your dreams, and, as such, cannot be killed, and Jason Voorhees will just NEVER! FUCKING! QUIT!

His tenacity is infuriating!

The Lesson: If you are in a movie where a serial killer is the main focus, and said movie is taking the whole thing seriously, abandon all hope! It's not gonna end well!

September 20, 2010

Trailer Trash: The Tourist

It's time to root through some trailers. What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

Let me explain my incredibly weird philosophy on Muse real fast, if you care to know! I am more than just obsessed with them; I am a god damn fanatic when it comes to Matt, Chris, and Dom! Hello? I retitled my blog with reference to one of their songs! I know, it's bad, but, hey! Admitting it is the first step! Anyway, where am I going with this?

The Tourist is an international caper that concerns a man named Frank, a woman named Elise, and a case of mistaken identity that leads to an intercontinental chase! Frank was just a guy on a train until he met Elise, who ropes him into a plot involving gangsters, police, money, gunfire, and boat chases! Looks like a James Bond movie without the martinis!

Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are Frank and Elise, respectively! Depp hasn't done a caper like this in a while, and Jolie looks to be playing a far more restrained character than she has played of late! That being said, they ooze chemistry in this trailer! They look primed to deliver taut performances! I can't wait!

Ok, back to Muse! When the trailer started, I was interested! It was Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, beautiful scenery, and international intrigue! And then Muse's "Map of Problematique" came blasting through my speakers for the rest of the trailer, and I was sold! A smart use of a Muse song in a trailer will make want to see the movie being advertised, even if that movie isn't very good (see Knight and Day)! But no, really! This is a very cool trailer that does a great job at getting me excited to see two of the biggest and most talented stars today match wits on screen! I'm there! 

September 19, 2010

How Wonderful Life Is Now You're In The World

Let's talk about musicals! They are cruel little mistresses, aren't they? I mean cruel in the sense that they only appeal to a very certain demographic! No, not just gay men! Shut up! If you're not in that musical demographic, you traditionally want nothing to do with singing and dancing and general revelry, like my dad! Now, I'm am one of those types who loves, and I mean LOVES, musicals! I have a ton of soundtracks, try and see one whenever I go into NYC, and am currently in rehearsals for one at school! So, of course I was going to love Moulin Rouge going in! The thing is, though, everyone else will too, because Moulin Rogue is a mad crazy brilliant piece of work! Visually astounding, very well written, sharply directed, impeccably realized, with some great music to boot! This is a musical to get people into musicals!


September 16, 2010

With Apologies to John Lennon

I want to be
In Toronto City
At the lively film festival
In the sun!

It sounds like fun
A hole in one
At the lively film festival
In the sun!

I'd ask my friends
To come and see
The films at the festival
With me!

I want to be
In Toronto City
At the lively film festival
In the sun!

:) Hope you're having a blast Hatter!

September 15, 2010

According to the Movies #10

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Have you noticed the trend? Aliens love our pathetic, blue planet! Don't ask me why, but, for some strange reason, all they want to do is come on over to our side of the universe and blow the hell out of us! Ok, anyway, since America loves a happy ending, and the total extermination of the human race would kill any chance of a profitable sequel, the humans always win. Here's the thing though, they always win at the very last minute! How do they do this? Some wonderful coincidence (War of the Worlds) or some guy who suddenly has a brilliant idea to bring down the invaders that he/she totally could have figured out in the beginning (Independence Day).

God, people! I'm laying all this out for you! I'm thinking of your own damn survival! Why won't you listen? Christ, you guys are thick!

Really? It took the whole movie to come up with that?

The Lesson: In the event of an alien invasion, just sit tight! Something will come along that will soundly defeat the invaders! Don't worry! Hollywood doesn't have the balls to kill off the entire human race! You'll be fine!

September 13, 2010

Trailer Trash: Priest

It's time to root through some trailers. What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

What is our major malfunction that makes vampires so appealing to us? I mean, seriously, let's tick em' off, why don't we! Eclipse, Daybreakers, True Blood, Let Me In, and The Vampire Diaries have graced us with their bloodsucking presence this year alone! Priest will soon be added to that list!

It's the future, and the world has been torn apart by wars with vampires! Out of the ashes, religion has risen, leading the people into a bleak, but safe existence! Vampires are still a threat though, so, to combat the demonic bastards, the church trains priests, ultimate badasses who jump really high and do cool things with silver! All's beautiful and starshine until one of the priests, Ivan Issacs, has his niece abducted in a vampire attack! Rather then heed his order's ruling to do nothing, he turns his back on his superiors and stages a one man war to save her!

Paul Bettany is Issacs! I don't know. I've never been able to accept Bettany as a badass action hero, but, he looks alright here! Cam Gigandet and Maggie Q are his sidekicks in whooping ass! They look alright, but the trailer doesn't show enough of them for me to formulate an opinion. One person I'm excited as hell about is Karl Urban as man bad guy, Black Hat. That image of him conducting music as the town burns behind him looks so sweet! He's back on the a-list now, thanks to Star Trek, so I'm anxious to see how he does! Also, Stephen Moyer, aka Bill from True Blood, is in it! I'm down!

The trailer looks very cool, but I'm still apprehensive. That's because Priest is made by the exact same team behind the God-awful Legion earlier this year! Granted, Priest looks a whole hell of a lot better than that festival of mediocrity, but, even so. It get's you worried! Otherwise, I love the look of the movie, and I dig the vibe of mixing old west tones with a futuristic setting, although no one will ever be able to pull that off as well as Joss Whedon! The action looks fun, and I'm very interested to see how they play with the idea of religion taking on the role of a totalitarian regime!

On another note, what the hell kind of vampires are these?

September 10, 2010

Oh, Also...

I made the obligatory facebook page! Since you are reading this, you are required to like it! Sound good! Faaaaannnnntastic!

Thank you! You may return to your daily works!

Poll Results: The Name Change

You voted for it! Here are the results!

The Question: So, the name change is happening. Here are some options I came up with! I have a favorite, but I want to see how the others sound to you. Weigh in!

1. Cinematic Snark: 3 Votes (Yeah, kinda cliched, but it fit the bill!)

2. How the Massacre of Sonny Corleone Affected a Teenager, and Other Things of That Nature: 3 Votes (Too long! Wasn't really taking it seriously when I put it in the pot, but, guess it was well received!)

3. Films From the Supermassive Black Hole: 5 Votes (Is my borderline unhealthy obsession with Muse that obvious?)

4. The 9th Rule of Fight Club: 2 Votes (Would've been cool, but something tells me there's a blog out there that already came up with that.)

Well children! It looks like you and I think alike! Films From the Supermassive Black Hole was my top choice! Give me a few hours to change up the layout and put the finishing touches on my banner, but, by the end of the day, you'll see a brand, spanking new blog in this space! Hopefully one with a more interesting layout (Here's looking at you Nick!). Thanks guys!

September 7, 2010

I Just Died!


Tolerate It!!!

This is my entry into the good man Fletch's blog-a-thon, 30 dAyS of cRAzY, in which he pulls together a bunch of other bloggers to write about the weirdest, most insane, most trippy of films! Compared to some of the other films on the list, mine seems pretty tame, but, it is still one crazy and disturbing experience!

So, serial killers! Ummm... how to phrase this without sounding like a psychopath... Though they are the most disreputable of people, serial killers have proven to provide damn good material for movies! Don't believe me? Alright, how's this? Dirty Harry, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, American Psycho, The Silence of the Lambs, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, and Death Proof! Foolish, uninformed human! Movies about serial killers are some of the most interesting! They prove to be such terrifying foes for the men and women hunting them, and nowhere is this quality better realized than in Se7en. This 1995 thriller is one of the most haunting, intense, and downright terrifying serial killer films. It's also sensational, with a brilliant atmosphere, strong writing, a sadistic mindset that pulls no punches, and some seriously solid acting! This one will fuck you up, but you'll love it for precisely that reason!

What horribly deranged murder are we gonna try an solve today?

Trailer Trash: Black Swan

It's time to root through some trailers! What sorts of wonderful things will be alluded to today?

Ok, Darren Aronofsky is an enigma to me. He'll make a movie as twisted and weird as Requiem for a Dream, as convoluted as the The Fountain, and then turn around and make a movie as raw as The Wrestler! I don't understand him, but I don't think I'm supposed to.

Black Swan is about dancers, and how fucking crazy they are! It concerns Nina, who is embroiled in a feverish rivalry with a fellow dancer, Lily, over who will get the lead in the production of Swan Lake that their company is putting on! Weird stuff transpires, rashes appear, Nina and Lily make out (for some reason), and Nina pulls barbs out of her skin!



Natalie Portman is Nina! Portman is an actress who has consistently turned in fantastic work, but never seems to get the recognition she deserves! A sole Oscar nomination? Never before has there been such heinous a crime! She looks primed to deliver another searing performance as this dancer slowly losing her sense! Mila Kunis has not been in anything high profile, dramatically that is, but she's a damn fine actress, and I'm eager to see her creep us out!

This trailer is nuts! I have no idea what the hell is going on in it, but, suffice to say, I interested in seeing how it turns out! Aronofsky isn't the most reliable of directors, but The Wrestler was great, and he got an astounding performance out of Mickey Rourke in that. Here's hoping he can do the same with Portman! I think he can!

September 6, 2010

It's Coming!

Three more days till the name change reveal! Hope y'all are ready!

In the mean time, this is a dog!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

September 4, 2010

According to the Movies #9

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Disclaimer: Gah! My schedule is all kinds of screwy right now! This should have gone up on Wednesday, but, it's going up to today! I'll get something set in stone in a weeks time! Bear with me!

This week's lesson harks from a slew of movies. Leonardo DiCaprio has chalked up a damn impressive resume, turning in some truly fantastic performances for some of the best directors working today! But - and this could be due to a clause in his contract or something - his characters never seem to end the movie in a desirable state! More often than not, he ends up dead! In Shutter Island, he is carted off for a radical lobotomy, which, if it didn't kill him, certainly came close. In Titanic, he succumbs to the frigid water, sinking into the depths of the Atlantic ocean! He doesn't die in Revolutionary Road, but he is left as a horribly distraught and sad single father when his wife kills herself. In The Departed, he is the proud recipient of a bullet to the head! In Inception, he... well, no one really knows about that, but, there is a good chance he was still dreaming!

Damn it, man! Have you no sense of self-preservation?

The Lesson: If you are a character played by Leonardo DiCaprio, you should write up your will, and fast! You're probably not gonna be around for much longer, as you have the life span of about 2.5 hours!

September 3, 2010

LAMBcast #37: The One With My Head On the Block

For this episode of the LAMBcast, I didn't contribute! Instead, my site was the focus of the new feature, LAMB of the Week, where the guests on the show critique the site for the entire LAMB to hear. Enjoy!

The Place That All Roads Lead To

So, a little bit ago, the latest segment in According to the Movies dealt with death, and no matter how you try and mess with it, you can never escape it! I posted two pictures of death in film, both radically different. The summed up the vast spectrum that death can occupy in the movies. One image was from The Seventh Seal; the other was from The Final Destination. Lovely Jess of Insight into Entertainment commented on the piece, expressing interest in seeing my deconstruction of death in film taken to a new level! Well, I can never say no to a woman! So, if you'll indulge me, I'll attempt to delve deep into the world of cinema and see how death is treated! Join me, won't you?

September 1, 2010

Looking Ahead: Fall 2010

Well, it would appear that summer is over for good, my preemptive FITS Awards notwithstanding! So, not that the time for stupid people going to the theatre has passed, we can get to the real meat. Oscar Season is just around the corner, but, before we get into the full swing of things, Fall is put on the stand to wow us. What's coming up in the next three months, and should you care? Take a seat, children! Uncle Seb is gonna take good care of you!