May 11, 2011

According to the Movies #31

If the movies say it, it must be true.

Gonna delve back into the realm of action movies again. They say write what you know, and I know action movies. You don't mind.

So, every action movie needs a bad guy, right? Of course, because then it's just a bunch of meaningless explosions and death, or, as I like to think of it, Armageddon. But, The Movie Gods are lazy deities, and rather than craft stories that show the villain's motivations, they'd rather have a full bore monologue before the final confrontation. And this usually happens right when the bad guy has the good guy at gun point. And rather than do the logical thing and just shoot his opponent, the villain will usually milk the situation for everything it's worth and talk, giving the good guy plenty of time to find an escape.

Let's think. In Goldeneye, Trevelyan has Bond at gunpoint, and rather than shoot the double o, he pulls out some bullshit line, giving James the window of opportunity to kick out the floor from under him and escape. In Desperado, the Mariachi is cornered by Bucho, and all seems lost. But, Bucho would rather talk about some bullshit, and the Mariachi eventually gets fed up and blows him away. Every Scream movie ends with this exact scenario, sometimes with the villains behaving like even bigger turkeys and actually causing harm to themselves. District 9 is the worst offender of all. Wikus is cornered by Koobus, who proceeds to talk about how he is going to kill him, rather than just doing it.

Jesus, villains are friggin' stupid!

The Lesson: Villains are dumb! They'll have you cornered and will not finish the job. Don't worry. You'll have plenty of time to figure out ways to defeat them, whether it's dropping them off a satellite dish, having your alien cronies take them out, or with good, old fashioned lead. You're better than them!


  1. Well Sebastian this plan actually began fifty years ago while I was a student at Harvard in a former life. You see, even then I knew the potential power of this random plot point which I'll not bother to explain, except in vague details that makes me sound smart, while simultaneously allowing me to destract you from the giant knife being lifted over your head right now. Meanwhile, I'll be clicking these buttons over here until my surprise accomplice comes through the door and reveals themselves, sending shockwaves through the audience. Now is about the time where I bring up my daddy issues, referencing how that ties into just how similar our lives truly are, giving the audience some reason to feel an ounce of compassion for me. While at the same time giving you, the hero, plenty of time to untie the rope which I've carefully placed next to a small shattered piece of glass. This is most likely due to a janitorial error, or the fact that we exist in an off the wall universe where shattered glass is only visible to the hero.

    Oh look, here's my accomplice now. Oh yes, I can't believe you didn't expect it was your best friend and/or momentary lover! Now excuse me, I'm going to turn my back and click a few more of these buttons or hurt myself to make this all seem like an accident, therefore giving you just the moment you need to unleash your bindings and attack.

    *sorry for the mini-post in your post, but I can get carried away with these things*

  2. Ah soliloquising. The Achilles heel of so many evil overlords. I love that they brought this up in The Incredibles. Drives me nuts! I'm always yelling "kill him already" at the screen

  3. Ah, Katie stole my thunder - I too was going to say that this post reminds me of Jason Lee saying, "I can't believe you caught me monologuing!"

    Happens all of the time, man...