February 28, 2011

Oscar Minutes: 2011


Oscar has come and gone my friends. The time of predictions is long past, the winners are here. It was an average show, if I do say so myself, but more on that later. Did you miss the broadcast? Have no fear, Seb is here, with his annual Oscar Minutes. With the recent inclusion of twitter in my life, I now have a much easier way to jot down all this crap. So, without further ado, let's recap. 

Here we go! Red Carpet boredom for the next 30 minutes... yawn...

7:37 - Could ScarJo be prettier?? Well, if she lost that awful doo, maybe.

7:39 - Some kid from MODERN FAMILY talks about the Governor's Ball... I don't like pre-show stuff. It sucks.

7:41 - Warren and Annette get interviewed. Must ask dorm mate what they are like in real life.

7:43 - Anne Hathaway arrives, looking gorgeous, if a little scary. She'll be a good host, methinks.

7:44 - The envelopes walk up the red carpet, carried by the two most guarded men in the world right now.

7:48 - Anne is still there, still looking fine and a little scary. I have to imagine she's a little cold. I mean, it was snowing in LA, yes?

7:50 - Markey Mark is sporting some serious scruff.

7:53 - Reese Witherspoon has amnesia about when she won. She's probably had too much to drink from that bar.

7:54 - RDJ is hilarious as always.

God damn, we are so close. Enough with these Red Carpet pleasantries. Let's get the blood flowing up in this piece!

30 Minutes to go: Jennifer Hudson is looking great.

8:01 - Natalie Portman arrives in purple, sporting a baby bump. She is simply radiant. She is going home with a statue.

8:03 - James Franco is SO! COOL! He is almost too laid back.

8:05 - Justin Timberlake finally reaches the interviewer. He should have been nominated! THERE IS NO JUSTICE!!!

8:06 - TO HELL WITH SANDRA BULLOCK. And what's with the botox woman?

8:08 - Oh, Ben Lyons. You deserve so much better than you get.

8:08 - Oh, sorry, not Ben Lyons. Ben Mankewicz (sp???)

8:12 - Nicole Kidman is looking nice tonight. I always forget that she's Australian.

8:13 - Gwyneth Paltrow shows up. Ya think she'll sing something? Yup! Her song from "Country Strong". She should do a duet with Jay-Z.

8:14 - Christian Bale has an awesome beard and has gained all the weight back. That man is something else.

8:16 - Oscar Fashion Expert (forget his name) lists off the best dresses of the evening.

8:21 - about five minutes to go. We have moved inside, with Wolverine. He's supa cool!

8:23 - A montage of favorite acceptance speeches.

8:24 - Halle Berry, will you ever do another good movie again in your life? Please do. I miss the talented you.

8:25 - We are so close! COME ON!!!!

8:26 - Tom Hanks will be presenting the first award. Silent impressionistic painting? What? What is he saying?

8:30 - Now the fun begins. Here we go!

8:30 - Montage of Best Picture Nominees!

8:33 - Franco and Hathaway insert themselves into Best Picture Noms, with some help from Alec Baldwin. GENIUS!!!! This is great!

8:34 - Morgan Freeman narrates this! SO BRILLIANT!! Anne hits on Bertie, and then they both leotard up and dance the BROWN DUCK.

8:36 - Alec Baldwin's dream is a dream inside two other dreams. These three are great together.

8:36 - Ok, BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Not bad at all!

8:37 - Why does Franco have an iPhone? They are delightfully awkward!

8:38 - Appealing to a younger demographic is great. Sorry Anne. Getting naked doesn't get you nominated.

8:40 - Anne's mom is still telling her to sit up straight. Franco's grandmother just saw Marky Mark. Lovestruck old people!

8:41 - We are looking back on enduring films from a long time ago. Why?

8:42 - Tom Hanks has nothing to do with GONE WITH THE WIND.

8:44 - ART DIRECTION. And it goes to... ALICE IN WONDERLAND. What? NOOO!!!

ART DIRECTION: Oh, stop faltering. Alright speech. Let the damn woman talk already. Come on.

8:46 - CINEMATOGRAPHY. And the Oscar goes to... INCEPTION!!! Good speech. Slightly self deprecating, and pays enough tribute to Nolan. Good!

8:51 - Franco seems kinda wooden. Kirk Douglas, cane and everything. What a pimp!

8:52 - I can't understand what Douglas is saying, but I get that he is hitting hard on Hathaway! WHAT A PIMP!!!!

8:57 - BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS! Douglas is hilarious right now! And the Oscar goes to... MELISSA LEO. Saw that coming! She bows to Douglas.

8:58 - Good speech. Stop saying "REAL." Lot of emotion right now. AND SHE'S BLEEPED!!! OH MY GOD!!!! That's what's up!

9:01 - Franco is clearly off put by that. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are introduced. Timberlake is Banksy. Mila's not having it.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT! And the Oscar goes to... THE LOST THING. Never seen it. Alright then. Good for them. Nice witty speech.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE! And the Oscar goes to... TOY STORY 3!!! What a surprise! Average speech. Steve Jobs created Pixar? WHAT?

9:12 - These journeys into the past are fairly pointless.

9:13 - Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem are introduced to present the Screenplay Awards.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY!!! And the Oscar goes to... Aaron Sorkin for THE SOCIAL NETWORK. HELL YEAH!!!!! Man, he is cultured! Good speech!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY!!! And the Oscar goes to... David Seidler for THE KINGS SPEECH!!!! SCREW THAT!!!!! Oh well! Good speech! Very dry!

9:23 - Anne Hathaway sings a bastardized version of "On My Own" with not so subtle jabs at Hugh Jackman. Kind of awesome!

9:25 - Franco comes out in drag. Makes a Charlie Sheen joke. The night looking up.

9:26 - Russell Brand and Helen Mirren come out and speak different languages. Mirren makes stabs at Firth. Brand is so good!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM!! And the Oscar goes to... IN A BETTER WORLD from Denmark. Didn't see that coming. Emotional speech. Thick accent

9:31 - Reese Witherspoon BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR!!! And the Oscar goes to... CHRISTIAN BALE! FINALLY!!! Great speech; good call out to Dicky!

9:38 - President of the Academy and the President of ABC come out and suck each other's dicks in honor of their "renewing of their vows."

9:39 - High Jackman and Nicole Kidman. They say things about sound and show scenes of Chaplin, Astaire, and the THX thing. STAR WARS THEME!

9:41 - Oscar Orchestra has chops!

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE!!! And the Oscar goes to... Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for THE SOCIAL NETWORK!!!! THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!!!

9:45 - Reznor cleans up nice. Nice humble speech from both of them.

9:45 - Franco is six degrees of Kevin Bacon away from introducing ScarJo and Matthew Can't-Spell-His-Last-Name.

BEST SOUND MIXING!!! And the Oscar goes to... INCEPTION! No surprise there! Blockbusters always win here! Fine speech. Not bad, but not good

BEST SOUND EDITING!! And the Oscar goes to... INCEPTION!!! This is boring. Fine, quick speech.

9:53 - Franco and Hathaway welcome Marisa Tomei. She talks about the Scientific and Technical Awards.

9:55 - Franco and Hathaway welcome Cate Blanchett. LORD OF THE RINGS MUSIC!!! YEAHHHH!!! Talking about makeup and costume design.

BEST MAKEUP!!! And the Oscar goes to... THE WOLFMAN!!! Movie sucked, but the makeup was pretty solid! Alright speech!

BEST COSTUME DESIGN!!! And the Oscar goes too... ALICE IN WONDERLAND!!! Oh well. Man, that was a wooden speech!

10:02 - Obama comes on and says his favorite movie song of all time.

10:03 - Kevin Spacey sings! He introduces the first Original Song, "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3. I can't hear Andy Newman!

10:04 - "I See the Light" from Tangled. Mandy Moore has some good pipes.

10:11 - Franco welcomes Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal. They talk about shorts.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT!!! And the Oscar goes to... STRANGERS NO MORE!!! Good, guilt-tripping speech!

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT!!! And the Oscar goes to... GOD OF LOVE!!! That man has AWESOME hair!! Wonderfully awkward speech!

10:17 - Franco gives a introduction to the Movie Musical of the Year... an auto-tuned version of Harry Potter, Toy Story, Social Network etc

10:19 - Hathaway and Franco introduce Oprah! She talks about how the movies are about escapism, and then presents DOCUMENTARY.

BEST DOCUMENTARY!!! And the Oscar goes to... INSIDE JOB!! Well, it's topical after all. Wish GASLAND won, though. Let's put the CFOs in jail

10:26 - Hathaway introduces Billy Crystal. He gets a well deserved standing ovation! He talks about the first televised Oscars and Bob Hope.

10:30 - Bob Hope introduces RDJ and Jude Law for Visual Effects. RDJ is snarky as hell!

10:31 - RDJ's and Jude Law's bickering is sooooooooo good! SHERLOCK HOLMES 2 can't comes soon enough!

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS!!! And the Oscar goes to... INCEPTION!!! Fucking hallways! Yeah! How do they work?!!! Good speech!

BEST FILM EDITING!!!! And the Oscar goes to... THE SOCIAL NETWORK!!! Alright. Bummed about BLACK SWAN, but, w/e. Nice bromance moment there!

10:40 - Franco is offended by some of the movie titles. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON!! HA! Next Original Songs. Enter Jennifer Hudson!

10:41 - "If I Rise" from 127 Hours with Florence and A.R. Rahman! This song kicks all kinds of ass!

10:43 - Gwyneth Paltrow to perform her "Take Me Home" from "Country Strong". She has a killer voice!

We're almost done!

Sorry, "Coming Home" from "Country Strong"

BEST ORIGINAL SONG!!! And the Oscar goes to... Randy Newman for TOY STORY 3. Love this man's accent. Very good speech, very funny!

10:51 - Celine Dion comes on and sings "Smile" for the tribute to the people we lost this year. Beautiful.

10:55 - Halle Berry comes on and pays tribute to Lina Horn, the first black performer to sign a major contract with a studio.

Sorry, Lena Horne. My bad!

11:00 - Hathaway thanks Celine and Halle. The she introduces Hillary Swank! She talks about Directors, and then welcomes Kathryn Bigelow.

BEST DIRECTOR!!!! And the Oscar goes to... Tom Hooper! WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Fincher was robbed! Alright speech. Still, it's insane!

11:05 - Franco introduces Annette Bening. She talks about the Governor's Awards, which honors lifetime achievements in film.

11:07 - Coppola, Wallach, and the other guy then come on stage to thunderous applause.

11:11 - Franco and Hathaway introduce Jeff Bridges for Best Actress. He's the most badass person ever!

11:13 - Bridges honors each nominee individually. Great stuff! Jennifer Lawrence can't believe her eyes.

BEST ACTRESS!!! And the Oscar goes to... @! Oh, wait, sorry. That was just my fantasy!


11:19 - Hathaway introduces Sandra Bullock to present Best Actor. She honors each nominee like Bridges. Again, good stuff.

BEST ACTOR!!! And the Oscar goes to... COLIN FIRTH!!!! Who didn't see that coming. Congrats to him, he owned that movie! Good, funny, speech

11:31 - Franco and Hathaway introduce Steven Speildberg for the Big Kahuna!!!

BEST PICTURE!!! Cue the montage!!!

BEST PICTURE!!! And the Oscar goes to... THE KING'S SPEECH!!! Oh well! Us young peoples lose out again. Good speech. Good night!

Well, there you have it. That was the night. In my opinion, this year's ceremony left a lot to be desired. Franco and Hathaway were not very good hosts, and all that this year accomplished was further proving that old people run this piece. Oh well. It's late. More in depth coverage to come. Cya later. 

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