FFTSBH Presents: The 1st Annual Snubbies Telecast

Well, isn't this just lovely. Look at all these faces staring in awe at me. I know, you can't believe your eyes. Hello, and welcome to the 1st Annual Snubbies. I am your host, and I will do my best to MC this whole event without teasing or insulting anyone. I mean, Mel Gibson hasn't said anything too offensive in the past month, so it should be easy.
...
Wait, shit!

Ok, enough pleasantries. Your votes have been tallied. Let's get cooking.

A disclaimer before the jump: The keeper of the minutes for the ceremony decided to smoke a fat doobie before starting work, and as such, all the acceptance speeches have been lost. I do apologize. I will get better staff for next year when I have better funding.

First up, we have Aaron Sorkin, winner of this year's Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar, to present the Best Snubbed Adapted Screenplay. And the nominees are...

The Ghost Writer
Let Me In
Never Let Me Go
Rabbit Hole
The Town

And The Snubbie goes to...

The Ghost Writer

Next up, we have David Seidler to present Best Snubbed Original Screenplay. And the nominees are...

Animal Kingdom

Black Swan

Blue Valentine

Get Low

Made in Dagenham

And The Snubbie goes to...

Black Swan

Moving right along, we have Christian Bale to present Best Snubbed Supporting Actress. And the nominees are...

Dale Dickey (Winter's Bone)

Rebecca Hall (The Town)

Barbara Hershey (Black Swan)

Mila Kunis (Black Swan)

Diane Wiest (Rabbit Hole)

And The Snubbie goes to...

Mila Kunis (Black Swan)

Next up is Melissa Leo to present Best Snubbed Supporting Actor. And the nominees are...

Vincent Cassel (Black Swan)

Matt Damon (True Grit)

Andrew Garfield (The Social Network)

Armie Hammer (The Social Network)

Justin Timberlake (The Social Network)

And The Snubbie goes to...

Andrew Garfield (The Social Network)

We keep on trucking! Colin Firth takes to the stage to present Best Snubbed Actress. And the nominees are...

Lesley Manville (Another Year)

Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right)

Chloe Moretz (Let Me In)

Carey Mulligan (Never Let Me Go)

Noomi Rapace (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo)

And The Snubbie goes to...

Noomi Rapace (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo)

We keep going. Enter Natalie Portman to present Best Snubbed Actor. And the nominees are...

Leonardo DiCaprio (Shutter Island)

Robert Duvall (Get Low)

Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine)

Kodi Smit-McPhee (Let Me In)

Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter)

And The Snubbie goes to...

Leonardo DiCaprio (Shutter Island)

Almost done. Enter Tom Hooper to present Best Snubbed Director. And the nominees are...

Ben Affleck (The Town)

Danny Boyle (127 Hours)

Christopher Nolan (Inception)

Matt Reeves (Let Me In)

Martin Scorcese (Shutter Island)

And The Snubbie goes to...

Christopher Nolan (Inception)

Finally, we have the duo of the hour, and head Snubbie spokespersons, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel take the stage to present Best Snubbed Picture. And the nominees are...

The Ghost Writer

Let Me In

Never Let Me Go

Shutter Island

The Town

And The Snubbie goes too...

Shutter Island

Congrats to all the winners. That's all for the night. I promise that next year, I will do a better job with this. Hey, it was my first time hosting a big awards event like this. Do you know what I had to do to get the money to secure the venue? Unthinkable things that I would be arrested for even talking about. Cut a man some slack.