September 29, 2010

According to the Movies #12

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Since stupid mainstream America loves to see shit blow up and their hero/heroine mercilessly kill thousands of worthless henchmen, Hollywood is going to provide, and rake in mad profit! Now, I realize that it's ridiculous to analyze the realism of a balls to the wall action movie, but, then again, the whole point of this series is to point out the ridiculous aspects of movies that you might not notice! Anyway, since moviegoers want a hero/heroine they can cheer for and whose survival they need not worry about, bullets and swords and other things that can kill you don't touch the protagonist, or, if they do, don't effect them in the slightest! Arnold Schwarzenegger can run through a whole platoon of guys, gunning them down left and right, and nothing will happen to him (Commando, True Lies)! Russell Crowe can crash into a contingent of medieval soldiers, laying waste and whatnot, and receive nary a scratch (Gladiator, Robin Hood)!

The Lesson: If you are the hero/heroine in an action movie, take heart! The movie gods have bestowed thee with invincibility, and awesome badassery! You will kick so much ass, and you won't sustain a single wound! You! Are! A! God!

Disclaimer: There is a part two to this lesson! Tune in next week!


  1. Watch Ninja Assassin sometime. Oy...

  2. @Fletch: Seen it! That's exactly my point! Ok, so he does get hit there, but it doesn't effect him at all. He gets cut all to hell by ninja stars, and he's still jumping around, cutting dudes in half no problem.