September 15, 2010

According to the Movies #10

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Have you noticed the trend? Aliens love our pathetic, blue planet! Don't ask me why, but, for some strange reason, all they want to do is come on over to our side of the universe and blow the hell out of us! Ok, anyway, since America loves a happy ending, and the total extermination of the human race would kill any chance of a profitable sequel, the humans always win. Here's the thing though, they always win at the very last minute! How do they do this? Some wonderful coincidence (War of the Worlds) or some guy who suddenly has a brilliant idea to bring down the invaders that he/she totally could have figured out in the beginning (Independence Day).

God, people! I'm laying all this out for you! I'm thinking of your own damn survival! Why won't you listen? Christ, you guys are thick!

Really? It took the whole movie to come up with that?

The Lesson: In the event of an alien invasion, just sit tight! Something will come along that will soundly defeat the invaders! Don't worry! Hollywood doesn't have the balls to kill off the entire human race! You'll be fine!

1 comment:

  1. Pretty much everyone went out in Knowing. The movie was pretty much shit, and the odes to Close Encounters was too obvious, but the effects weren't bad and I was proud that the earth did in fact die and it wasn't saved by one last minute arrogant man thought to save the day. And if 2012 wasn't so damn long and depressing, I might have given that one a high five too, for following through, but then Rolland Emmerich has some sick obsession with the destruction of humanity anyway. And again stellar effects there.

    Otherwise, I'm in full agreement with you. My alien hideout wouldn't be too far from my zombie survival plans.

    To win against Aliens what we must to is get a spaceship and blow them out of the goddamn airlock.