According to the Movies #13

If the movies say it, it must be true!

So, last week I talked about how the hero of a balls to the wall action movie is invincible, right? Bullets, knifes, and other things that kill a normal person, have no effect on them. In Commando, John Matrix (awesome name!) can walk through a hail of gunfire, and not get hit once. In Ninja Assassin, Raizo gets cut up by what seems to be hundreds of ninja stars, and yet he is still able to jump around, slicing dudes in half in increasingly bloody fashion. However, since there needs to be some high stakes in there, or else everyone would just get bored really fast, the hero always gets hurt in the end, and only by one individual. The main antagonist is the only person who can hurt the hero. The movie gods have blessed him/her with the Elixir of Supreme Villainy. Only they can do damage to the hero!

The Lesson: Are you the hero in a balls to the wall action movie? Great! Go nuts! Blow shit up for an hour and fifty minutes of your two hour run time. However, be prepared. In the final ten minutes of the film, you will face your nemesis, and he will do something to you! He/she will hurt you, and you will feel something you have never felt before. That thing is called pain. Don't worry, you'll still kill him in a glorious fashion, but, even so. Know your enemy! He/she is the only one who will do any damage to you!

According to the Movies #12

If the movies say it, it must be true!

Since stupid mainstream America loves to see shit blow up and their hero/heroine mercilessly kill thousands of worthless henchmen, Hollywood is going to provide, and rake in mad profit! Now, I realize that it's ridiculous to analyze the realism of a balls to the wall action movie, but, then again, the whole point of this series is to point out the ridiculous aspects of movies that you might not notice! Anyway, since moviegoers want a hero/heroine they can cheer for and whose survival they need not worry about, bullets and swords and other things that can kill you don't touch the protagonist, or, if they do, don't effect them in the slightest! Arnold Schwarzenegger can run through a whole platoon of guys, gunning them down left and right, and nothing will happen to him (Commando, True Lies)! Russell Crowe can crash into a contingent of medieval soldiers, laying waste and whatnot, and receive nary a scratch (Gladiator, Robin Hood)!



The Lesson: If you are the hero/heroine in an action movie, take heart! The movie gods have bestowed thee with invincibility, and awesome badassery! You will kick so much ass, and you won't sustain a single wound! You! Are! A! God!

Disclaimer: There is a part two to this lesson! Tune in next week!