Ok, fine! For this holiday, the tradition is to list off your top 10 favorite horror movies and wait for the comments to practically rewrite your list as you go off and get plastered on pumpkin ale.
But that's dumb!
So, I'm not gonna do it!
Well, actually, I'm not gonna do it because I actually haven't seen enough diverse horror movies to make an interesting list. For me, it's basically have 28 Days Later... and Se7en fight it out for number one, and the rest is all random.
Boring!
So, I thought I'd instead shoot off a bunch of films, one from each genre of horror, that could serve you well on this, the day where college coeds can dress up as sluts without anyone saying anything about it, and yes, I did take that line from Mean Girls.
Gonna delve back into the realm of action movies again. They say write what you know, and I know action movies. You don't mind.
So, every action movie needs a bad guy, right? Of course, because then it's just a bunch of meaningless explosions and death, or, as I like to think of it, Armageddon. But, The Movie Gods are lazy deities, and rather than craft stories that show the villain's motivations, they'd rather have a full bore monologue before the final confrontation. And this usually happens right when the bad guy has the good guy at gun point. And rather than do the logical thing and just shoot his opponent, the villain will usually milk the situation for everything it's worth and talk, giving the good guy plenty of time to find an escape.
Let's think. In Goldeneye, Trevelyan has Bond at gunpoint, and rather than shoot the double o, he pulls out some bullshit line, giving James the window of opportunity to kick out the floor from under him and escape. In Desperado, the Mariachi is cornered by Bucho, and all seems lost. But, Bucho would rather talk about some bullshit, and the Mariachi eventually gets fed up and blows him away. Every Scream movie ends with this exact scenario, sometimes with the villains behaving like even bigger turkeys and actually causing harm to themselves. District 9 is the worst offender of all. Wikus is cornered by Koobus, who proceeds to talk about how he is going to kill him, rather than just doing it.
Jesus, villains are friggin' stupid!
The Lesson: Villains are dumb! They'll have you cornered and will not finish the job. Don't worry. You'll have plenty of time to figure out ways to defeat them, whether it's dropping them off a satellite dish, having your alien cronies take them out, or with good, old fashioned lead. You're better than them!
Alright, folks. Cleverness caps on. Time to impress me.
But first, winners.
Honorable Mentions: "Don't Answer The Phone! Don't Open the Door! Don't Eat The Shellfish!" (Courtesy of newcomer Madgestic), NOOOOOOO, "I wanted to kill Osama Bin Laden" (Courtesy of Rachel [f.g.i.]), "Hello, fellow LAMB. Just wanted to let you know that The LAMMBYs are coming up and we are hoping for the best voter turnout for the nominations ever. Every Lamb #1-900 is eligible to vote (and to win!), and that includes you. To participate, please go to this site: http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/521956 Thanks!" (Courtesy of Max).
Hehe, Max. You just had to pick this post to put that comment on, didn't you?
This week's winner won because she did exactly what I had hoped for with this particular capture, noticed the seductive manner in which Ghostface was lying, and played it up!
You know, Ghostface, if you stopped trying to kill Monica from Friends and the girl who had lesbian sex with Denise Richards in Wild Things, some girl would probably find that mask pretty sexy.
The Leaderboard
Castor (4)
Fletch (3)
Univarn (3)
Simon (3)
Kai (2)
Rachel (1)
Aiden (1)
Hatter (1)
This week, I'm going the television route. I've been pretty much consumed with Battlestar: Galactica for a few days, so, I'd thought I'd share my current obsession with you.
Alright folks. Cleverness caps on! Time to impress me.
Seriously! New Blood! Please!
Now for the winner.
Honorable Mentions: "Lightsabers are for morons. Look - no hands." (Courtesy of Fletch), "25% lens flare, 25% Marsden, 50% neck muscle photoshop job." (Courtesy of Film Intel)
This week's lesson is in honor of Scream 4 being released this Friday.
One of the scary things about living in the Scream universe is that the Ghostface costume is so easy to come by. If their not giving out the things at movie theaters or hanging a bunch of em' in a studio closet somewhere, you can find one in your local Spirit store. So, that means, anyone could be the killer, since anyone can get their hands on the getup. And since you are a rational human being who doesn't want to get gutted by Sydney Prescott's latest would be murderer, there are some things you should do.
Lesson 1: Pay attention to your local costume stores. If someone buys a Ghostface costume, hunt that bastard down, slap them, and burn that thing.
Lesson 2: Ban Ghostface costumes.
Lesson 3: If you are going to get stabbed in the back, make sure you have Dewey's back. Seriously. That thing is friggin' resilient.
