The Black Hole Presents: Some Movies To Watch On Halloween

Ok, fine! For this holiday, the tradition is to list off your top 10 favorite horror movies and wait for the comments to practically rewrite your list as you go off and get plastered on pumpkin ale.

But that's dumb!

So, I'm not gonna do it!

Well, actually, I'm not gonna do it because I actually haven't seen enough diverse horror movies to make an interesting list. For me, it's basically have 28 Days Later... and Se7en fight it out for number one, and the rest is all random.

Boring!

So, I thought I'd instead shoot off a bunch of films, one from each genre of horror, that could serve you well on this, the day where college coeds can dress up as sluts without anyone saying anything about it, and yes, I did take that line from Mean Girls.

Let's get started, shall we?

For Paychecks And Work

Modern day "reinterpretations" of classic novels and films is nothing new. It seems that for every generation, there's a film version of some Shakespeare play, a Jane Austen novel, some new director's take on Robin Hood, and so on and so on. And usually, the theme is to tone down whatever subtext and subtlety the source material had and a up the AWESOME and the EXPLOSION factor. Such is the case with The Three Musketeers, the new, whizbang, hack and slash epic from schlock-meister Paul WS Anderson. The trailers would have you believe that this is a loud, over the top, exciting romp around renaissance period Europe, but there is one factor that should not be overlooked should you make the mistake of seeing this film. Brainless. The Three Musketeers, for all its spectacle (such as it is), is just a dumb as rocks, cliched as hell, boring action movie. Though there is something to be said about the "wink wink" nature that some of the people involved are taking, the fact remains that this 21st century update of Alexander Dumas' classic adventure novel is completely unnecessary and forgettable.

This is the last time we ever do Absinthe again, Aramis!

Your Sunday Funny #24

Trailer Trash (Sort Of): Piranha 3DD

It's time to root through some... well not really.

So, this is just a clip taken from some dude who was recording the Spike Scream Awards on his Tivo, or something.

Anyway, it's the world premiere of the teaser for Piranha 3DD, the sequel to the surprisingly well received  Piranha 3D. This one sees the ravenous little buggers leaving the lake and attacking a water park.

Ok then...

According to this trailer, there will be more blood, more boobs, and... more Ving Rhames?

Hold on, didn't he die in the last one?

Nope, he just got his legs gnawed off. So, how does he remedy this?

Shotguns for legs.

Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

'checks IMDB'


IT IS DAVID HASSELHOFF!

Ok, this movie has my attention.

Hypocrisy For the Win!

A few weeks ago, on the LAMBcast, I stated that I would rather see a political thriller than a family drama. This was the direct result of two movies being brought up, The Descendants and The Ides of March, both of which star George Clooney. I don't know much of anything about The Descendants, but The Ides of March has been high on watch list ever since the trailer was released. A smart, thought out, tense political procedural is something that we don't get enough of these days, and is something that is pretty damn relevant as the country starts to go politician crazy!

By the way, Michelle Bachman is nuts!

The Ides of March boasts a killer cast doing excellent work, a strong script based on an excellent play, with a solid director at the helm. And yet... I didn't really like it. I don't really know what happened. Maybe it went way over my head and I need to see it again, but whatever it was, I walked out of the theatre feeling a profound disconnect to the events on screen. I wonder if all politicians are like this, cuz if they are, I'm glad I'm not getting into the business.

Hey girl, do you like politics?

Your Sunday Funny #23

Product of the Judicial System

In retrospect, I must say that I'm pretty happy with the way my parents raised me. You know, decent morals, polite manners, don't drink and drive, and don't put your sexual organs into volatile and potentially harmful electrical sockets. I don't about that last one; I think I might have just picked that one up myself. Anyway, I am quite pleased with all the life lessons my parents imparted on me, because, by following them, the chances of me going to prison for any legitimate reason (being part of protests and the like doesn't count) are somewhat slim. I mean, I've seen some movies, read some stories, and seen the odd episode of Oz, so I do have a pretty heavy desire to not get incarcerated in one the fine, fine correctional facilities that dot our country. As an addendum to this, I really like that I live in America, and not Britain, because if I am sent to prison in my home country, then my living situation will be decidedly more attractive. Cuz if Bronson is to be believed, then British prisons suck big fat ones! Yes, this film by virtuoso Nicolas Winding Refn is dark, disturbing, incredibly violent, and practically asking for controversy. It's also, at times, hilarious, quirky, and absolutely insane.
...
Ummm... I don't know really know how this review will pan out, cuz I don't really know what to say.
...
Hmmm...
Well, let's give it a shot.

My mustache has punched more people than you ever will!

In Other News: Drive Stupidity & Chigurh's New Gig

So, interesting stuff has been happening in the world of movies over the last few days, but there was one little tidbit of news that caught my eye.


FilmDistrict is being sued over Drive. Why? Because the trailer was misleading?
...


No really! Someone is suing the studio because they went into Drive expecting something totally different from what it is, claiming that the film was being advertised as "very similar to the Fast and Furious, or similar, series of movies, according to an article over at Yahoo! Movies.  The person who brought forth the lawsuit, Sarah Deming of Michigan, states that "Drive bore very little similarity to a chase, or race action film... having very little driving in the motion picture," the suit continues. "Drive was a motion picture that substantially contained extreme, gratuitous, defamatory, dehumanizing racism directed against members of the Jewish faith, and thereby promoted violence against members of the Jewish faith."

So much is "wrong" with this scene, but anit-semitism ain't it!

So, she's not pissed off because the trailer didn't really hint at the level of extreme violence in the picture, or that most of the screen time was devoted to Gosling's budding romance with Carey Mulligan. No, this woman is pissed off because the bad guys in the movie were Jewish, and since we can't have that, she accuses Nicolas Winding Refn of being a Nazi. 


Ok, bit extreme, but still. How dumb is this. You don't like the movie because its trailer didn't do a great job of representing what it actually was? Oh, boo hoo! Do you know how many times I've been to a movie where my expectations proved to be totally off? Many times, but you don't see me suing people over it. 


People, man. People. 


On a happier, less fiery note, Javier Bardem has confirmed that he is playing the villain in Bond 23, which is currently in pre-production after months of doubt of whether or not it would ever be made. 


Now, this makes me happy. I mean, Ralph Finnes is already in as a villain, and with the inclusion of Bardem... well, think about it. Arguably the two most iconic villains from the last ten years are going to be villains together in the same movie. 

Cool!

I might be able to die happy now. 

Trailer Trash: The Avengers

STOP EVERYTHING!!!! WATCH THIS!!!

It's the first trailer for the superhero epic, The Avengers! Everything Marvel has done for the past 5 or so years (excluding X-Men), has been building up to this, and, if this trailer is anything to go, it's gonna be spectacular!

For a teaser trailer, this one is pretty great. Really epic, while adequately setting up the conflict. Let me tell ya, Loki looks so much more badass here than he did in Thor.

Man, I can't wait!

Assessing My Game Plan...

I should probably see some bad movies, shouldn't I?

I mean, the last four movies I saw in theaters, Contagion, Drive, Moneyball, and 50/50, all earned ECSTASYs from me. Two of them even got the ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL moniker.

Ok, bad movies, bad movies. What's coming out this weekend?

"checks IMDB"

Oh, Real Steel. Ok, we're good!

Cancer Is Funny!

Except it's not, and if you think it is then you probably have some serious social skills that need to be addressed now! Films dealing with cancer are rarely ever seen as a comedy, because a topic such as cancer is so humorless. Films that deal with this subject go for the heartstrings with all guns blazing, hoping to pull at least one tear out of you. Many fall into ruin by being too sentimental and inspirational, and end up feeling like a Lifetime movie. Others over come the obstacles and become pointed looks at humanity, love, and some such. But these movies are never funny. There has never been a cancer comedy that treated cancer like a real, scary thing, that is until 50/50 rolled around. Touted as Terms of Endearment for the Apatow crowd, 50/50 looks like a traditional stoner comedy that just happens to deal with someone getting cancer. But it's not. It's not even close to that. 50/50 is one of the best portrayals of coping with cancer that I've ever seen, with a healthy amount of genuine humor and heart. This is one you shouldn't miss.

(Sear)iously good!

The Duel

DISCUSS

Your Sunday Funny #23

Not movie related I know, but gets me every single time!

Soundtrack on a Saturday: Why So Serious? (From The Dark Knight)