February 22, 2009

A Night in the Kodak Theatre

Here we go. It's going to be an exciting night; the night where so many people's dreams will come true or be utterly shattered. Not really, but a lot of people will lose a shit ton of money on their Oscar pools. For those who missed the show, here are the minutes. 

4:40: Brad and Angelina show up. The announcer on E! News goes bat shit crazy, which is to be expected. Ryan Seacrest chats up Penelope Cruz (she's gonna win tonight), Marion Cottillard, and others. The fashion people critique all the dresses. God, I hate these pre-show, red carpet exposes. Kate Winslet looks hot though. 

4:55: Ben Lyons predicts that Slumdog Millionaire will win Best Picture. Completely obvious and safe predictions for the win!!!! Robert Downey Jr. is clean shaven. What the hell is going on here? 

5:00: Josh Brolin sure as hell looks sexy. Diane Lane is a lucky woman. 25 minutes to go. Frank Langella prattles on about how he grew to love Nixon the man. Brad and Angelina seem to be in a hurry to get inside, seeing as they are not talking to anyone. Valentino sounds like he has emphysema, which he just might. 

5:10: The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire, literally, the entire cast, mob the interviewer. Mickey Rourke still looks like a bad boy. 

5:20: The two most famous accountants in the world (tonight) stroll down the carpet with the winning envelopes. I can only imagine the security that has been thrown on those guys. Richard Jenkins is too damn modest!! 10 minutes.  

5:25: Is the bar the only place the funny people hang out? I would personally love to have cocktails with Jack Black. Can't say he would love to have them with me. 

Here we go!!

5:30: Wow this is lavish. Enter Hugh Jackman. Cue the funny monologue, which is actually pretty damn funny. Wait, what the hell is this? He's singing? HUH? Now he's dancing? Are these really the Oscars? He kidnapped Anne Hathaway!! Jesus Christ! Oh, wait, she was in on it. Oh my god, she has a voice. This song is actually really damn hysterical. I'm WOLVERIIIIIIINE!!!
5:40: Now that's over, he starts roasting all the nominees. Great. I'm starting to think that Meryl Streep is on roids now. Thanks Jackman. 

5:42: Yay, montage of acceptance speeches of Best Supporting Actress. It's all too introduce five previous winners, including Whoopi Goldberg, Eva Marie Saint, and Tilda Swinton. 

5:45: Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz. Oh, that's a big surprise. If she didn't start crying, this would be one of the most cliched acceptance speeches ever. And she even apes Javier Bardem and finishes off in Spanish. Uggg... it's gonna be a long night. Why did they do this one first? Why didn't they get on of the boring ones out of the way in the beginning instead of one people actually care about?

5:55: Best Original Screenplay: Egads, Tina Fey and Steve Martin are so brilliant. C'mon In Bruges, COME ON!!! Oh, well, Milk deserved it as well. Congrats to Dustin Lance Black. Good speech man. Way to sneak in a political, Obama, like promise. 

6:00: Best Adapted Screenplay: God damn, Tina Fey and Steve Martin are hysterical. OK, and the winner is, Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, good, for a second there I didn't think he would thank Danny Boyle.

6:05: Best Animated Film: Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston bicker about how much money can be made by staring in an animated film. Then comes a montage of the animated movies this year, from Madagascar to Star Wars, as seen by WALL-E, who enjoys the hell out of it. Then, comes the actual award. It sucks that Black is up there. I mean, presenting an award that your film is up for, only to lose. Ooo... burn. Go WALL-E!!

6:10: Best Animated Short: Jack Black is such a narcissist. And the Oscar goes to, La Maison... oh, I can't spell that. Amazing that Pixar actually didn't win in an animated award. Nice short speech. We like that. 

Why are they getting all the ones that people care about out of the way first? I know they're trying to cut down on the show time, but seriously? At this rate, we'll have an hour of technical awards to end the show, and no one wants that.

Oh, I get it, we are going through the process of making a movie. Start with the script, then the technical awards, and so on. Ok, that's cool. 

6:17: Art Direction: Daniel Craig, smoldering as ever, presents with Sarah Jessica Parker. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins the first of it's many technical awards. 

6:20: Costume Design: As a rule of thumb, the movie with the most hoop skirts wins this one. So, The Duchess will walk away with this one. Yep, it never changes. Man, these things are so predictable. 

6:23: Makeup: I'd like to see The Dark Knight win here. But, of course, Brad Pitt was convincingly made into an old fart. So, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button takes Oscar number two. 

6:35: Oh good, Edward Cullen comes on with the chick from Mamma Mia to give us a retrospective of romance in 2008, set to a Coldplay song. Wow, this thing is pretty lukewarm. 

6:32: Cinematography: Ben Stiller parodies Joaquin Pheonix, including the massive beard. So brilliant. Slumdog Millionaire takes this one. 

6:40: Jessica Biel comes on to talk about some dude who pioneered CGI, then back to a commercial. What was the point of that?

6:45: The retrospective of comedies in 2008, as seen by Seth Rogen and James Franco, as directed by Judd Apatow. Comic Gold. Pure comic gold!! I now want make an Oscar statue into a weed pipe. 

6:47: Best Live Action Short: Rogen, Franco, and the Cinematographer from Saving Private Ryan. The winner is... uhh... something I can't pronounce. Check IMDB.

6:52: Hugh Jackman pitches us an idea for a musical, as created by Baz Luhrmann. This guy can sing. I'm impressed. Oh, wait, is that Beyonce? Yes, yes it is. All the men watching this suddenly started paying very close attention. It's a mash up of every single musical movie ever made. WHAT THE FUCK???? What the hell are Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgen's doing there? Oh great, the Mamma Mia couple are there. THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!!!!!!!

7:02: Best Supporting Actor: Presented by the likes of Christopher Walken, Kevin Kline, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Alan Arkin. Prediction: And the Oscar goes to Heath Ledger. Verdict: Yep. I was right! Oh, this speech is heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking. 

7:11: The retrospective of documentaries in 2008.

7:14: Best Documentary: Bill Maher presents this award. He muses about how his documentary didn't get noticed at all. Then he insults God, but it's in good humor, so don't worry. No surprise, Man on Wire takes this one. They even get the guy who walked the rope on to the stage, where he proceeds to balance an Oscar on his face. Good move. 

7:16: Best Documentary Short Subject: Maher presents again. Smile Pinki wins here. We're half way done. Stick with me here. 

7:24: Retrospective of action movies. Did every action movie this year involve a balls to the wall car chase? I think so, according to this. 

7:24: Outstanding Visual Effects: Enter Will Smith. We get it, he loves action movies. Who will win this? Answer: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Yeah, that one was kind of in the bag. 

7:29: Outstanding Sound Editing: Way to mess up your lines there Will. Yay, The Dark Knight takes Oscar number two. 

7:31: Outstanding Sound Mixing: Will's not done yet. And the Oscar goes to Slumdog Millionaire. "This is unbelievable. We can't believe this." Amazing word choice there my friend. 

7:35: Outstanding Editing: Jesus, Smith, you are being overworked. Once again, Slumdog Millionaire. This beast in unstoppable. Danny Boyle flashes a thumbs up. Priceless.

7:42: Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award: Eddie Murphy, no doubt still smarting from his Oscar robbery two years ago, presents this award to Jerry Lewis. He narrates a montage of Lewis footage, set to Viva La Vida, and Wonderwall. Lewis then takes the stage. Here comes the longest speech of the night, historically. Well not tonight. That was really concise. We love you Jerry!!!

7:50: Jackman introduces a medley of the original scores up for contention. It sounds great. 

7:53: Best Original Score: Alicia Keys comes out with Zac Efron to present. And of course, Slumdog Millionaire wins. We've had a bunch of Indian winners so far for this movie, and this is the first one to slip some Hindi into his speech. About damn time. 

7:55: Best Original Song: Alicia Keys messes up her lines. Instead of the usual deal where the songs are performed in their entirety, we get this 5 minute mash up of the three nominees. What a cop out. Peter Gabriel didn't show up to perform his song from WALL-E, so they got John Legend. A fair trade. And then to top it all off, they don't even perform the dance from the movie for Jai Ho. That's a shame. Then they start blending the two songs. What the hell? And then the Oscar goes to Jai Ho. Not a surprise. Only Foreign Language, Actress, Actor, Director and Picture left. 

8:05: Foreign Language Film: Liam Neeson, with Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto on his arm, presents this. Surprisingly, Waltz With Bashir does not win. Instead, Departures, from Japan, takes it. 

8:11: Here's the incredibly long "in memorium" montage. It's a bit different this year, since Queen Latifah is singing a song over it. It's pretty good. The big ones on display here are Charlton Heston, Paul Newman, Sydney Pollack, and Bernie Mac.

8:18: Best Director: Best Actress winner Reese Witherspoon presents this. To no one's surprise, Danny Boyle takes this one. It's about damn time. He starts jumping on the stage with glee; he is apparently imitating Tigger, as part of a deal with his kids. He thanks a whole ton of people. He even thanks the guy who choreographed the ending dance sequence, whom he apparently left out of the credits. Smooth!

8:25: Best Actress: Presented by the likes of Sofia Loren, Shirley McClaine, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, and Marion Cotillard. It's between Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet, and the winner is... (drumroll)... Kate Winslet. Finally. After six snubs, my God, it was getting annoying! She gives a great speech, even throwing a few jokes at Meryl. 

8:36: Best Actor: Presented by the likes of Robert DeNiro, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, Adrian Brody, and Michael Douglas. It's between Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke, and the Oscar goes to... (drumroll)... Sean Penn. Well, I don't mind. He was brilliant, you commie, homo-loving, sons of guns. 

8:47: Best Picture: Steven Speildberg, the guy Jackman's been trying to impress for the whole night despite his fake Australian accent, presents this. Before the big moment, a large montage of the nominees, and the movies that obviously influenced them, is shown. And the big winner is, not surprisingly, Slumdog Millionaire!!!!. Woot. The entire crew mobs the stage. It's a good moment. An indie film takes the Oscar again. 

Well, that's the show. Jackman gives his tip of the hat, and ends the ceremonies. All in all, it was a pretty good show. Jackman was certainly funny, and gave a great performance. It was certainly the most lavish Oscars to date. All things considered, it was worth watching.  

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